The Journey is What's Important

Mumford & Sons

Reminder

Don't let me darken your door
It's not what I came here for
No it's not what I came here for

And I won't hear you cry when I'm gone
I won't know if I'm doing you wrong
I never know if I'm doing you wrong

Constant reminder of where I can find her
A light that might give up the way
Is all that I'm asking for
Without her I'm lost
Oh my love don't fade away

So watch the world tear us apart
A stoic mind and a bleeding heart
You never see my bleeding heart

and your lights always shining on
and I've been travelling oh so long
I've been travelling oh so long

Constant reminder of where I can find her
A light that might give up the way
Is all that I'm asking for
Without her I'm lost
Oh my love don't fade away

Oh my love don't fade away

----------------------------------------------------------

It's almost... Funny. How this new Mumford and Sons album is almost a soundtrack to the year I've had. Almost scary in a way, when you think about it. The truth is, I wish I understood more about this year. Had a little more closure on it all.

... It's been an interesting ride, and I'm tired from it all. Every day feels exhausting, regardless of how much  I really do.

It's something that I think is going to take time, the changing of the seasons even the changing of the year to heal. Talking about it just sort of... Helps it along. But it does not heal the wound.

I still feel as if I have a hole in my heart that only some things can temporarily fill before it spills out the back. The walls are fragile and can only hold so much right now.

I miss those I love. I love those I miss.

I wish I could reach out and hold on tight to the things that keep running away from me.

I think I am beginning to really understand why I've gone through all of this. I've said it before, but the reality is only starting to set in.

It's all part of the journey. This has all happened to teach me something. Let me reiterate that: something. Right now, I have no idea what that something is. My faith this year has been tested repeatedly. I hate that, too.

I hate being tested like that. I hate having my soul twisted into knots that hold me fast and tighten whenever I want to break free.

It's just one of those days, I think. Or one of those weeks... One where an escape would be wonderful. Not into video games, not into my own head (God forbid); but out into the world. Disappear and leave it all behind. Find it later, but just leave.

I wish I could.

----------------------------------------------------------

Mumford & Sons

Hopeless Wanderer

You heard my voice
I came out of the woods by choice
Shelter also gave their shade
But in the dark I have no name
So leave that click in my head
And I will remember the words that you said
Left a clouded mind and a heavy heart
But I was sure we could see a new start

So when your hope's on fire
But you know your desire
Don't hold a glass over the flame
Don't let your heart grow cold
I will call you by name
I will share your road

But hold me fast, hold me fast
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer
And hold me fast, Hold me fast
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer

I wrestled long with my youth
We tried so hard to live in the truth
But do not tell me all is fine
When I lose my head, I lose my spine

So leave that click in my head
And I will remember the words that you said
You brought me out from the cold
Now, how I long, how I long to grow old

So when your hope's on fire
But you know your desire
Don't hold a glass over the flame
Don't let your heart grow cold
I will call you by name
I will share your road

But hold me fast, hold me fast
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer
And hold me fast, Hold me fast
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer
I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under
I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under
The skies I'm under

There's Something I Don't Quite Get

I'm having another down day today. Really, though? It's sort of coming in waves, this time. It'll roll in, mix about and then sort of leave without saying goodbye. Then I'll feel a bit empty for a bit and then I'll start to feel better. But a little while later, here it comes back to say hello and make me feel trampled once again.

I used to do so well at expressing myself when I was in High School. I used to be able to just... Say it. Write it, draw it. Write a poem, or something. (Yeah, I was the emo artsy dude who was way too emotional.)

But now... It's like I can really hardly comprehend my own emotions sometimes. Am I lonely? Sad? Angry? Frustrated? Really, I don't know. It's just a downtrodden feeling. Like I've been run over and I'm now stuck in a rut. It's probably what it is, because it's not one thing that's causing it.

Truth be told, nothing really causes it. And if I think something is causing it, I over analyze it to the point that I come to find out that, no, it wasn't that thing I thought it was in the first place.

Hmm...

There's someone I'm missing right now... Someone who is so close to me, yet sort of feels out of reach. Do I still talk to this person? Yeah, I still talk to her. Every now and then, when I can. I understand that she's busy, I really do. That's not it. It's not the fact that I don't hear from her very much because of that it's...

... It's complicated. It really is. It's hard for me to really quantify or express it. It's an empty sort of lonely that makes me sort of sit back and go, "Ow..." when it pangs me every now and then. Not a real ow... Sort of a soulful ow, you know? She can't help it. It's not even her fault. Nor does she even know she's doing it. Nor should she, really.

I don't want to pull her down... Even though that's really not the right thing to say. I don't want to... Take her mind off of what's really important. I know that, by proxy, I'm calling myself unimportant. But... When compared to what she's doing? All the schooling she's going through... All the work she's put in and will put in... I know that she doesn't have time for me. Do I want her to have time for me? Well that's sort of a silly question. Of course I do. I'd love to be a big part of her life again. Or at least a little bigger. But I won't ask for it. It's not who I am to try and pry myself into someone else's life. If they want me there, they'll ask for me. And it's alright. I think it is anyway...

... It doesn't stop from stinging when I think about it. It doesn't really get rid of the sense of longing that I have in my heart.

I don't know. These are all things I really want to say, really want to bring up, but can't really bring myself to say them to her. It'll stress her out... Especially with all the work she has to do.

It's like watching someone from behind a piece of glass. You can watch them grow, you can watch them move about and learn... Interact. Watch them love...

But you can't talk to them. You can't hear them, as much as you press your ear to that glass.

You press your hand to the cold crystal but they can't feel your warmth, nor you theirs.

Even if you scream, all you hear is your own voice.

And no matter how much you beat against the glass, you're really only beating against your own mind and you fall over exhausted, having not gained an inch of ground.

It's not as bad as I pained that to be. It was a sudden inspirational little spurt that sort of rolled off of me as I wrote it. It felt good, oddly enough. That's what I mean by being able to express myself and my emotions.

That's what I miss. That flow.

The truth is, I haven't really been able to feel that flow for some time now. I don't know if it's just this year, or just sort of... everything, you know? In truth, it probably just is a mix of everything. My attention pulled in all different directions so that when I try to focus my attention on that thing, that writing or that drawing, I just get distracted before I can tap into that flow.

----------------

I don't want this post to seem like a cry for help, because that's really not what it is. I'm just sort of venting right now. Beating my head against that glass a little so that I can organize my thoughts, get it out of me so I stop feeling so full of stuff.

So um... Some sort of update, besides the depressive junk that I just blurbed...

Oh! I've been meditating a lot more recently. I know a lot of people find it pointless or even stupid, but it really does help me. Closing my eyes, blanking out my mind and letting whatever flows through me to just pass... The ups, the downs, the ins and the outs. When I was feeling my most confined the other night (maybe four nights ago) I sat down and had a deep internal meditation that just did wonders. I found my balance again.

And it's something I have to keep telling myself, too. Find your balance.

I think I wrote about that the other day, I can't remember... And I'm too lazy to click the little button to go back and look. So we'll assume I did and this is just a sort of secondary update about it!

I need to do it again. I really do.

Or I just need to keep listening to Sigur Ros... That would help too.

I swear, they're one of the few bands that just send shivers down my spine every time I listen to them. I love it!

Oh yeah, I need to come up with an updated layout for this blog. I keep forgetting.

I'm terrible at remembering. Writing something down only goes so far in trying to remind yourself. I wish I could implant a computer in my mind to record everything... So that I could play it back and not forget anymore.

... Something tells me that forgetful nature that I've gained over the past year or so is the reason why I'm where I am today, in this slump, feeling alone.

I could be wrong.. But then again...

I could just be forgetting something.

Or I could be completely wrong about it all.

Or I could be taking something too personal that I have no control over.

Or...

There are too many possibilities, and I've over-thought this way too much. Bleh.

I'm sorry, I'll stop now.

The Internet Must Suck Today

I say this because, just about all day, I've had server errors and incomplete page loadings. On or off Wi-Fi. On or off 4G service. I thought it may have just been school being a jerk to me because I clicked on a few wry links on Reddit. But no, I think it's just the internet as a whole.

Besides that, today seems to be a headache day. Things are going well, so I don't feel too off.

I had a fun conversation with a guy at the Verizon store today about Mass Effect; specifically, Mass Effect 3! It may have been my shirt which proudly states Mass Effect 3 with Shepard on it... That may have been it. Can't guarantee anything on that.

I'm starting to feel more comfortable overall on things. More in balance. I forgot that when I went through my big meltdown a few years ago, the only way I really was able to change how I was acting or what I was doing, was to constantly remind myself what exactly it was that I needed to do. Since I've felt off balance, meditation and a constant reminder to "find my balance" has worked quite well. Changing your self talk - that's what it's about. Change what you tell yourself.

This year has ripped past me so quickly that it's hard to really gage where i am right now. I mean, I guess it's September 11th. 11 years after the terrible events of that morning.

And when I think that it has been 11 years? Wow, I mean... Really. Wow, you know? That was a while ago now. Like I said, this past year went by like it was nothing. I've been so mentally busy that the days have sort of blurred together.

It's not necessarily a bad thing that everything has crashed together like this... But it's definitely different. I was used to slow progression. I was used to things happening in their own time. I was used to just... Being off balance all the time, waiting for other people to make up their minds.

So when this year came about and I had to start making my own decisions, making my own choices, when people began to demand from me who I am? I really didn't know what to tell them.

I still don't. I'm still trying to find myself among the days.

I wish, that right now, I had an exact picture of who I am. I wish I was able to sit here and write it all out. Even if only for myself. I want to know who I really am. Where I really stand on certain issues. What kind of person I am.

People keep telling me that I'm such a good guy. That I'm this that or the other thing. It's not that I don't believe them, it's that... It's hard for me to understand where they're coming from. Which is also weird, I think.

I think I'm sort of rambling at this point. I'm going to try and write some before my next class starts. So... I'll write more later.

If you actually read my posts, thank you. I know not many people actually either care or know about my blog, so if you take the time to read this or follow my winding and wandering path through life... Thank you.

I'm planning on re-doing the entire layout of this blog soon. So expect some changes!

Away From The World

That is the title of the new Dave Matthews Band album. And it is amazing. Seriously, it is. I blame Sarah for getting me so obsessed with his music.

It just came out today. If you like Dave Matthews Band, you'll love the album. If you've never heard him before, go download this album.

Hmm...

------------------------------------------

It's really hard to write right now. To write this... To write anything really. I'm feeling less dragged down and thrown around this week than I did last week. But that doesn't make my thoughts any less occluded by another haze.

It seems to be the common theme of this year - a fog. I just wish that I had a light in this fog. Which is funny, because my screen names, log in names and so forth are either Dunkel Nebel (which means dark fog) and also Nebel Licht (which means fog light).

I would almost call that irony.

Small update tonight. Not much to say anymore. I had something earlier, but lost it while listening to music.

Why Can't It Be Simpler

The truth is, not much is simple for me. Things always have to be more complex than they really are. In relationships, I look too deeply into things. In friendships, I have a tendency to think that there's more going on in the background than there is. It's almost as if I can't accept that people just like me. Or that someone is just busy.

Or that things really are just that easy sometimes.

I hate this part of myself. It's hurt me during most of my adolescent and adult life. It's haunted me, patronized me and screwed up more for me than I could ever wish to think about. I've lost friends, loved ones and compatriots because of it. How can I even begin to re-work that part of myself? It's my own internal anxiety, and the inability to live with silence in myself.

I've fought with myself for years now trying to pin this down, trying to hold onto what makes me feel so anxious, and leads to my feelings of insecurity. Does it have some main source? Can I point to one thing in my past and say, "There. That's why I'm insecure"? No, not really. I think it might just be a flaw that I have. A very annoying, very overwhelming flaw to anyone that's around me that sees it. And I hate it. I hate that. I absolutely hate that part about me. I can't stand it. Do I hate myself for it? Again, no. But I do hate that aspect.

It all has to do with my own internal monologue. What I tell myself during the course of the day. It's as if I can't be content with just being me for a little while. That I have to surround myself with something, with someone. Involve myself in someone else's life, as if I'm afraid of my own. Or that I don't know what my own life is. It's an odd string of thoughts that lead me into these situations.

And it stresses me out. It stresses me out so much that I can't really concentrate on much. On school, on work, or even on my own personal things. Reading becomes a chore because I'm always interrupted by my thoughts... Writing is the same way. I can't connect to the flow of writing when I'm like this.

I wish it was as easy as saying, "Well, I guess it's just another part of me I have to work on," but it's not that simple. It's something I've identified before and struggled with. I want to just feel normal. Have the normal ups and downs, the normal ins and outs, without fighting with myself. Arguing, telling myself that something 'must' be happening or that something 'might' be happening. Or work myself up into a frustrated mess because I can't relax. It's like I'm wound too tight right now. It's like I'm either not getting enough sleep, enough exercise, or enough of... Something. I really don't know what.

But right now, I'm so frustrated at myself that I can barely stand it. I need to relax. I need to clear my head. I need to get over things.

I need to be able to just feel like me, even if it's only for a day. Shake off the dust, shake off the internal stress... Shake off the anxiety and the nervousness.

I think it might be a control issue. I don't know how to let other people in my life just be themselves, without me trying to interject, or interfere. I don't have much evidence for this externally, but internally, I believe it might be the cause. I'm an internal control freak. I don't try to mess with people, but internally, I want to have so much control over my friendships, relationships and personal life that I start to panic when things don't go how I want them to, or how I think I want them to.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I have control issues.

I'm scared that someone will do X, Y or Z, so I try to think of some way to control that from happening. Whether it's saying one thing to direct them in the opposite direction, or try to know exactly what they're feeling or thinking at the time, or try to look deeper than the person that they show to me. As if they're hiding something that I can't see.

And the more I think about it, the more frustrated I become at myself. I've tried to find peace-of-mind in myself, but have almost utterly failed at doing that.

I can't control anyone else but myself. I have to let people do what they will, be what they will. I have to let my friends and loved ones like me for who I am. I have to let things go. I have to let my past go. I have to let the future go.

Living in the present is much more difficult than it would seem to be...

I'm an idiot, seriously. You know, why can't things be more complicated than they really are? Then I would be justified for thinking the way I do!

... I'm being sarcastic, by the way. Kind of... Sort of.

I suppose I need to find a new way to relax myself. To tell myself that things aren't as nefarious as I make them out to be.

That I can allow life to flow as it does... Not how I think it needs to.

Bah. I'm tired now.

Cynicism For One

Is it possible for someone to be hopeful and optimistic, wishing and imagining nothing but the best, but also be so full of cynicism? These two parts of my mind right now are warring with one another, basically summing up to zero. It's a muted battleground with ideas flashing in and out of existence, exploding into life then being doused with a doubtful rain.

Though it's hard to even describe it as that. It's not that dark; it seems to be focused around central ideas, mostly.

Which is the strange bit. It's both and neither at the same time for me currently. I can't say it's due to a lack of sleep, but it's almost as if it just shifts back and forth constantly.

I think it's just people in general that make me feel so cynical outward, but be optimistic internally. That's a better representation, I feel. I'm not so cynical with myself, but I am with others. People I don't know, really. Society as a whole, mostly.

I've really got nothing witty, nor inspiring to say today. My iPod is playing just about every song I don't want to listen to and my thoughts are a jumbled mess. Hey! It sounds like every day! Hah, I crack myself up.

Besides feeling mildly lonely today, class has me (once again) feeling tired and disconnected. I need to fix that this weekend while (if) I have time. It's not like I don't have the time. I just tell myself I don't have time and I listen.

Although, I've gotten quite good at keeping an agenda! Or calendar... I recently acquired a white board and in conjunction with my calendar I have on my wall next to my computer (the white board takes up the wall on the other side), I've been doing quite well in reminding myself of things! Dates, times, things to do... I've been forgetting less and less, because I always look around myself and play with things around my desk. One of those things happen to be the dry-erase markers of my White board.

This makes me insanely happy that I'm starting to forget things less and less. It's almost therapeutic, due to the fact that I was having trouble remembering to pick up my phone off my nightstand when I go to leave for school. Yay for absent mindedness wearing off!

It's like a haze is slowly being blown out of my head. A haze that has sort of sat over me for the past... Half a year to a year or so. Maybe.

I don't really know. I do know that I could use a hug right now.

Besides the newest Imagine Dragons album (which is pretty decent!), I have no real video to post this time. It's sort of becoming a reoccurring theme for me to actually post a song with each post. Not this time! Maybe next time.

... Maybe next time.

Things Change, Things Stay the Same

Words... Somewhat escape me at this moment. They're jumbled... Confused. They run through my mind, dancing and flitting upon a page only I can see, wishing to be written down and given life. But I can't really seem to grasp them. I wish I could. There's things I want to say, people I want to say these things to, but they catch in my throat and on the tips of my fingers, asking why I can't let them go.

They're my words. They're my feelings. I feel somewhat... Hollow, right now. But hollow isn't really a good word. Empty isn't either, because neither is very true. A cluttered, somewhat shaggy mess would be a better term, really. Ridden hard, put away wet with still a ghost of a smile still on my face from the experience.

It's been an amazing summer. But it seems summer has gone. Winter is coming (haha GoT).

I understand that, with time, things do change. People change... Feelings change. Things confuse us, confound us, inspire us... Drain us. Change us. Sometimes, though, I really wish they didn't have to. Sometimes I wish I could be selfish for those few moments, dig my heels in and say "Not yet"... But that's not who I am. Sometimes, I really just wish I had control over it all. Over the ebb and the flow. Over the dips and the mountains.

Sometimes, I wish the world were my own storybook. One that I could change and edit. The problem is, with a wish like that, I know the outcome would be terrible. Life would be boring... The experiences would be limited by what I would want, what I would come up with. Instead of marching to it's own beat, the world would march to mine... And to be honest, that doesn't sound like a very fun life.

People and the world have a right to evolve, change, ebb and flow.

This post is getting harder and harder to really... Wrap my mind around right now. The words are breaking free every now and then, but then getting caught other times. It's hard to explain.

I won't break and I won't crumble. There would be no point to all that I've accomplished over the past several months if I just gave up and went back to where I started. Thinking that I'm "back to square one" would do the same thing.

I'll be fine. I suppose I just need to find where to go from here.

All I need to do is remember.

I've Got Nothin'

Well, it's been about a month since my last post. Thought I might give a little bit of an update to anyone that visits this thing (Hint: there aren't many of you). It's been a busy few weeks... What with school approaching as quickly as it is. On top of being busy, I've come down with a weird throat cold. It's not that terrible, but it's sapping of energy. That, and now everything smells and tastes the same. Blech.

So... What to talk about... What to update with. To be honest, I don't really know. I've been reading the Hunger Games series, and I'm on the last book. I personally like the series.

I've been playing... Video games? Working out? Good God, I feel boring right now. My mind is still in a bit if a haze from this cold and there's things I want to talk about but I can't really get my fingers to work in that direction. The connection between them (my brain to my fingers) is broken. Maybe that's why I can't write (see: excuses).


Guh, I go to type something and have to delete it because it's crap.

When I can get my head on straight, I'll update here. Until then, peace out.

The Fields of Green

So with the power being out, I've had plenty of time to sort of sit, vegetate and sort of think on the past several months of well... Everything. I've caught up on my sleep, on my mental processes, and where I want to be in my life. I've had several "ah-hah" moments as well that have really set things in the right direction. It's interesting, if we're taken out of our normal elements and routines, just how well we can think. (We as humans, that is.)

During this time, I've been vaguely browsing the internet when I get a moment to myself to sit and think. Not like I normally do, at that. Just sort of languidly puttering from website to website, hopping to reddit, skimming through Facebook, that sort of thing. But not really keeping myself tied to my electronics. During one of these little excursions into the net, I stumbled on a post on Reddit that went along the lines of, "What's the best way you've dealt with a breakup?" So... I decided to respond.

I wrote out my entire story. It took at least a half an hour of constant typing to get it down in that little comment box, and I was skimming the surface of the entire story as I went. The timeline was a bit confusing to me when I thought back to how I wrote it, but I felt it was relevant to the posts direction. Left out names or any important bits of information that could reveal identities, checked it... And submitted it. When I hit send, it was a liberating experience. It's funny, too. Because I haven't really been able to write it all out like that before. I haven't been able to really speak about the entire thing in one go - it's normally little snippets here or there that really mix and jumble together. I've come a long way.

So I let it sit there and stew, amongst the hundreds of other responses. Because of how long it was, I knew it wouldn't hold that much attention to the people of Reddit, but I hoped. Before I knew it, people were responding. Telling me little bits of their stories, telling me how good of a story-teller I am and that they too have been through similar situations as mine.

One person in particular brought out one of the most profound bits of wisdom out of me. They had said that they had been through a similar situation and that, "Nice to know there could be greener pastures."

I sat there for a second before responding, "There's always greener pastures. It's sometimes just hard to see through the haze and smoke of what you thought used to be your life. Just remember, when the field is burnt, it'll always grow back greener."

It made me smile, because this was a sort of mental turning point for me. The past few weeks have been a big mental turning point in my progression with this weight that I've had holding me down. And the fact of the matter? I don't need this weight to hold me down anymore. I don't need the stress, the strain, or the story to showcase who I am or who I will become. My life, now, is going in the direction I want it to go. Not in a direction someone else wants it to go. I have my peace of mind. I have my own closure. I have my self respect.

I've also made the solid decision about where I'm going after I graduate. Or what I'll do, when I'm done.

I'm currently working for my dad in a new business that has to do with water purification. If everything goes well with this, my career will take me all over the world to help people who don't have clean water. I also talked about this in my last post.

If that falls through, I've made the conscious decision that I will be going after a career in the military, somehow. Either in the Air Force, or the Navy. I'm not sure which, but one of them would most likely take a college graduate. Either or, in reality, would be an excellent choice.

Things have just sort of come together over the past few months to help direct me on the right path of my life. It feels nice.

I think I might read now. I'll make another post sometime either today or tomorrow. Hopefully by then, I'll have power.

Where Are We?

Seeing as my updates as of late have been terribly few and far between, I felt like I needed to make an update here. Let those of you who have followed my evolution from destruction to slow rebuilding and occasional crumbling, to where I am now. The path that this odd life has taken for me.

The problem is, I'm finding it difficult to really talk about anything at the moment. It's not because I don't want to speak on any matters, it's that I don't have much to speak on right now. Life is going well at the moment.

I passed my classes for last quarter and I have my next semester (as my college is shifting to semesters) planned out. I got a new iPod the other day to replace the one that died on me years ago (lol) and my romantic life couldn't be better currently.

I suppose I could write a little something here. Recently, I've been asked by several people what I'm going to do with my life once I'm out of college. The answer is: I don't really know. I have never really thought or planned it out to the point where I knew exactly the route I would go post-college.

When asked as a child "What are you going to be when you grow up?" I normally answered, "I don't know." This is for the sheer fact that for most of my childhood (even up through the age of 18) I never really knew what I wanted to do. I have no real career goals in life.

Instead, I've really developed life goals. Things I want to do in my life, rather than the career I want to follow. If my career that I choose helps facilitate these things, all the better. Have there been things I've wanted to do in my life? Sure, and I guess you can sort of call those "Grow Up Dreams".

Number 1: Artistic Endeavors

I've always wanted to be an artist, or an accomplished writer. One of my life goals coincides with this dream. I want to write a book someday. Even if it's a book that no one will ever read or that no one even likes, I want to write this book for myself. The feeling of written words upon a page is such a calming reassurance to me, it's weird. The smell of paper, ink and graphite. The stress of trying to turn a movie in my head into language is something I love to do. Could I be a writer for some major company? Or a reporter, or a news article writer? Sure; there would be a shift in my schooling as I go back for an associates or bachelors in writing, but I think it would be worth the school, just to have that kind of knowledge in my world.

I love writing. I love the complex combination of words that can so easily evoke emotion. I feel writing can be a better conveyor of emotion, due to the reader having to really think sometimes at what the writer is saying. Instead of saying "I am sad", the sentence can be constructed into this spray that conveys the entire meaning of the emotion from beginning to end. "I am sad" can quickly turn into a several page expose. That, and I don't think I've ever been very good at conveying emotion very well through my artwork, other than photography. 

This particular picture I took evokes such driving emotion from me. I took it at Gulf Shores, Alabama one early morning. It was a quick shot, a quick edit. I knew what I was wanting to do with the picture when I got down on this little lonely shells level and took the picture. It came out so much better than I could have imagined.

I won't call myself a photographer. I like to dabble in photography for my own musings and artistic flurry, but I've not ever taken any sort of photography class. I don't own any expensive photography equipment. I just have my little Sony point-and-shoot and two tripods. A big one and a teeny one, both given to me. Though, as I do dabble more in photography, I do want to get a DSLR of some kind with a decent quality macro lens. I love macro shots. Love them.

Speaking of photography... I want to take a few photography classes while I'm still in school. I think it might be too late for that now, but I think if I ever go back to school for something (which I'm sure I will), I want to take some classes.

Damn, I got off topic. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, life goals. Book writing lead me to artistic flurry. 

Also, slight update: Cats are gross. Not going to lie, my cat Zelda (and yes, she came with that name from the rescue people who we got her from) left a half-eaten vole on the back porch for me to find. I understand that cats do this when they're proud of what they've done, but come on, don't do it every day.

Bleh, anyway, I don't even know where I was with this post anymore. I had a big plan to move outside with my lapdock and finish this post up... And then I found my cats gift and it sort of threw a wrench into that mental plan. Now I'm just upstairs, typing, as she wanders around under me, rubbing against my legs.

Life goals, right. Back to life goals.

Number 2: Humanitarian Dreams

I've always wanted to help people, in some way, in some form or fashion. I've always been the kind to sit there and listen to my friends problems and help them in any way I can. Even a random person who's had a bad day that you can sense needs to say something. That little help to someone during a day can make the difference between them getting through the day and crumbling.

One of those little life goals has to do with what I'm currently in the business of right now. Right now, I'm part of a company with my father that looks to revolutionize water and water purification. Water from any source, sort of thing. Dipping an intake into a pool of sewage and getting clean medical grade water out the other end kind of thing that's portable and inexpensive when compared to the systems that are out there today.

The ability to give someone hope that had none with clean fresh drinking water would be amazing. Huge swathes of the world are currently dieing due to a lack of clean drinking water. This has the ability to save those lives.

It's the little things we can do that make a difference for other people. I want to do those little things, and the big things.

I'm weird and have little to say on this particular subject. Oh well.

Number 3: Dreams of Rank

My father was in the Air Force for 27 years and my mother was for 8. After all of this time and the several base commander positions my father held before retiring in 1995 at the rank of Lt. Colonel, it made me envious of him. The experiences he's had in his life, the people he's met. The stories he has... They're amazing.

Ever since I was little, I wanted to maybe follow in my fathers footsteps. Climb the ladder of the Air Force and make it all the way to Colonel, maybe. I think it would be amazing.

I've always had some kind of dream in the back of my mind to shoot for the officer ranks of the military in some way. It's funny... Because I used to harp on the military all the time. How I didn't want to join the military... When secretly, I did. I'm weird like that.

I think that's why, when I was denied elistment, I was sort of silently crushed. I wanted to get into the military.... I wanted to start a life.

I guess it was never to be anyway. That life is over.

New life is now.

It's weird... Thinking about the past six months. I'm going to have to do a year in review around January of next year or late December of this year. It'll blow my mind.

Anyway, I think that's all I really have right now. Thanks for reading to my rantings and outbursts, if you've made it this far. I'll have more later, I promise.

Things Are Different Now

Thompson Square - Glass

Trying to live and love,

With a heart that can't be broken,

Is like trying to see the light with eyes that can't be opened.

Yeah, we both carry baggage,

We picked up on our way, so if you love me do it gently,

And I will do the same.

We may shine, we may shatter,

We may be picking up the pieces here on after,

We are fragile, we are human,

We are shaped by the light we let through us,

We break fast, cause we are glass.

Cause we are glass.

I'll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks,

And in the darkness of this moment,

You see the good and bad.

But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths,

But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.

We may shine, we may shatter,

We may be picking up the pieces here on after,

We are fragile, we are human,

We are shaped by the light we let through us,

We break fast, cause we are glass.

We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake,

We might burn like gasoline and fire,

It's a chance we'll have to take.

We may shine, we may shatter,

We may be picking up the pieces here on after,

We are fragile, we are human,

And we are shaped by the light we let through us,

We break fast, cause we are glass.

We are glass.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I figured a different sort of post would do good here. Something different. Something... Better. Something a little more upbeat, a little happier.

Or a shift all together in the direction this blog will take. I want things to be different. I want to be different. I want to think differently. I want to move, and flow differently. I want to break through this world, this life and feel new again. The funny thing is, I already feel new. I already feel reborn.

I already have someone who I feel that I can love again; truly love. She's funny... She's kind. She's sweet and smooth like glass. She calls me on my bullshit and does it with a smile. She makes me think differently of myself. She breaks me of my mold. She helps make me think differently of myself in every way and then some.

It's hard to describe just how amazing she actually is. She's different from me... So different. It's refreshing. It's new. It's... It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel new and different.

And I'm excited for it all. This new experience... Whatever it might bring for me in my life, I'm ready to take it on. I'm ready to grow up. I'm ready to become the man I know I can become. I'm ready to solidify and stop being so indifferent about life. I'm ready to take up my hat and set it firmly on my head and be called who I am for who I am. I'm ready for my identity. I'm ready for my life to finally begin, for myself.

I want to be brave. I want to keep my head held high and look on toward the horizon with a wonder for what's to come and a reminiscent thought of what has come before me. The pages of this book that I've written so far are stained with my blood, sweat and constant fingerprints. I've turned those pages and cried over them enough. It's time to take out my pen again and start writing. It's time to keep going and not stop. I can stop writing when I'm finally laid to rest in the earth with a smile on my face, whenever that day may come.

I think I'm done with making excuses for myself. I think I'm done trying to improperly rationalize where I am and give it a particular and specific reason. I am where I am now because of everything that's happened in my life. I can't blame one thing, or one person. I can't even blame myself. Everything that's come along has been one piece to the story. Everyone has their place, each character... Each setting. Each flow from one page to the next, with my mind pouring across it and deciphering it. My life is my own novel. It deserves to be written by me, from now on. To have the input from others, but to be written by me... I can't expect nor let other people write my story for me. Or think that they want to.

I have to be my own person. I have to have my own dreams and ambitions.

While I'm still struggling with what those are... I know I would love to be a writer, of some kind. I want to learn to play an instrument, whether that be the drums, piano or guitar. I want to learn to remix music. I want to write a novel someday that gets published. I want to help people, somehow. I want to be stronger; I want to run a full marathon someday. I want to look back at all the surgeries I've had and put them firmly behind me and not use them as a crutch or as an excuse... Because I know people who have been through a lot worse than I have, and are blowing past me. Those are the people I find most inspiring. Those are the people who I find I have the most admiration for. And one of those people just so happens to love me for who I am, and has faith in me. So I know I can do it. I know I can keep going.

This blog will be changing, soon. I will leave the old posts, because that's who I am. Those are the pages of my life that I've written with everything I have. This blog will be about the flow of my life. The political, economic, physical and emotional changes I will go through over the next few years. I will post stories I write, political rants I have, artwork that I draw up and anything else that can flow from me. If you continue to read what I post here, I thank you. Because you took the time to read all the crap that I throw into here, and that means a lot to me. It shows me you care, even if you never say anything. Even if you're another one of those anonymous statistics, for just visiting and reading.

Be who you are, no matter who is watching. Do the right thing, especially when no one is watching. Feel free within yourself to grow. Follow your dreams, even if it breaks your heart. And don't forget to love yourself, because you're worth it.

G'night. <3

Had To Share

I saw this and said... Wow. How poignant.

Just thought I would share, seeing as I haven't really posted much of anything the past while. :]

Now I'm Mad Again

Seriously. Who the hell do people think they are? Sure, I've been on vacation for the past week or so but that doesn't mean my stress level has been any better.

With my brother in law driving me out of my skin and people on the internet being total fucking retards, I really haven't had much brain space.

Excuse me if you think this is directed at you. If you read this and I know you but don't know that you read this, well excuse the hell out of me. Don't take it personally, I need to rant right now.

First, I will speak on the matter of my brother-in-law.


I love my sister. I always have. When he broke up with her several years ago, I got very defensive and very cold to him. It's been difficult to see him in the proper light ever since. But when you act like a two-year-old all the time... And I mean ALL THE TIME... And can't really complete a thought to save your life? In other words, get from A to D and know that B and C come in between? Yeah, having to pick up and help everything along the way gets very frustrating. I can't even imagine it from my sisters perspective.

It's driving me insane. It's one reason why I can't wait to get back on the road and head to Ohio.

I've also had my choices to not have children reinforced by this week. While I love my niece... I don't want her around -all- the time. I can't... Really take little children 24 hours a day. The screaming, the crying, the temper tantrums and the stress you get when they're around from their parents when you're just trying to be left alone? Not cool. Seriously.

But I do love and adore my niece. There's no question there.

-----------------

Next, I believe will be the rant that I -was- going to go on the other day but decided against. The more I think about it, the more it seethes within me and makes me gnash my teeth.

People who pretend that they have no responsibility in a situation infuriate me. People who literally take no responsibility for their own actions and who feel the need to blame everyone else in the world but themselves? Yeah, I have no need for them anymore. I won't make excuses or play nice. I've tried. For years, I've tried. I've taken all the weight, all the burden on myself. I'm exhausted. I'm just tired. Physically and mentally, I can't take it anymore. I've spent too much money, cried too many tears, and felt too much pain over the situation.

Don't think yourself so high and mighty. Don't think your shit doesn't stink just because I never said it did. It does. Very badly.

An apology would be nice. Perhaps a dialogue. A one-on-one talk that should have happened months ago but didn't. Perhaps things could be different now. Perhaps less stress could be shared on BOTH sides if it had!

But no. Walls were thrown up. Defensive positions were taken and communication lines had been cut in the night. Both sides were quiet. But whenever one side would launch rounds at the other, nothing would happen.

I feel like the fucking 38th Parallel between North and South Korea; always yelling at each other or just being silent. Snarling and gnashing teeth at one another but not really getting anywhere. When the peace discussions happen, they end up failing or not even progressing in one direction or another.

That's what I feel like. A like of demarcation. This is something that should have never happened.

God, it feels good to say that. To get it out in the open. It's time for me to air my dirty feelings a little bit, seeing as everyone else seems to think they can use me as their fucking pin-cushion and punching bag all at once all the fucking time.

So excuse me if you think this is directed in any particular direction. These are feelings that have been digging at my stomach and mind and giving me nightmares and fitful nights of sleep.

Most importantly...

Take responsibility for your own actions.


If you sit there and rant and rave without trying to talk to the other person AT ALL, don't be surprised when you get a nastygram in the mail.

Being the better person doesn't mean shouting that they're being childish, or that their actions are silly. That just adds fuel to the fire. A lot of fuel. A lot of fuel that can make someone rather vindictive in what they can do.

You want dirty laundry aired? I've got a fucking laundromat full of it.

Don't make me pull it out and start throwing it in the streets. I'd rather not.

I'm not saying I will be vindictive, but someone who has taken a lot of shit and taken it quietly can only take so much before he's choking and dying from how much is actually suffocating him.

If you want to be friends still, the ball is in your court. If you want any sort of friendship, I'm always here. Don't tell me I'm your friend and then not talk to me to see what's up, or why I'm doing what I'm doing.

A hi every now and then does wonders to keep friendships going.

--------------------------

This rant went on a lot longer than I thought it would, but it's made me feel amazing to let it go. To just... Say it, you know? Because I'm tired of being the punching bag. I'm tired of spending my energy to fix a situation, or to always be the one to apologize when I've not even done anything.

I'm done crying over spilled milk.

Peace out. <3

Okay Now...

Alright, I have to get this off my chest.


What was once depression and soul-crushing frustration has thoroughly turned into anger and frustration. It hasn't become a bitterness now, but it's approaching that at an alarming pace.


If you can't talk to me like a normal person when I've done nothing but try and be a friend to you? Forget you. Seriously. I've dealt with people like this my entire life. And for someone to do this to me, when I've known these people for years, it makes me sick. It makes my skin crawl. A simple text message, a call, an email or something else would be the more adult way to deal with things.


I'm in a period of transition in my life where I have to prioritize my emotions. Prioritize my stress and what's really important to me. Sometimes I just have to re-organize my life to improve my own mental health. Recently, I've been doing just that.

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath

Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

(Ignore the fact that this IS from Twilight... I love this song regardless. The first time that I heard it, I cried. I also think Christina Perri has an amazing singing voice!)

I originally started this post out as a rant. I don't know if I can keep that up. It's unhealthy of me to continue the negative emotional explosion that other people may unnecessarily throw onto me. I understand if you're upset with me, or even if you're mad at me... Or hate me. But please, talk to me. Have the decency to talk to me and let me know what's going on. Talk to me. Help me to understand.

Don't sit behind me and yell at my back as if I'm some wall that doesn't feel.

There I go, starting that rant again. To be honest... I did about a good hour-long meditation session tonight. It started in the hot-tub and then went outside into the pool, under a wonderfully clear bright moon-filled night. My heart melted and my soul felt light. I shook the stress that's been building up in my soul and let it out with each breath. It felt so good...

It made me remember that I've not meditated in almost four to five months.

It also made me remember what I've been missing from my life. And why I'm so very glad that things have changed.

I realized something very important about myself. About my likes and dislikes in people. And this is something I have to say. I never realized it until I found someone that didn't do this to me.

I cannot, under any circumstance, stand being given the emotional run-around. Playing the emotional guessing game, where you have to literally sit there and wonder all the time if the other person is -actually- alright and meaning what they say. You ask them if something is wrong, they say no... When in reality, something was wrong all along.

If you're going to be in a relationship, whether it be friendship or anything more serious than that, and you want to keep that person as a long-term friend... Don't do this to them. If you care for them at -all-... Don't do this to them. The amount of stress it puts on them can be deadly. Literally. Talk to your friend or partner. If something is wrong, trust them enough to talk to them. Tell them your feelings. Don't tell them "nothing is wrong" when something is definately wrong. It worries them.

Especially people like me who are -very- empathetic and can physically feel that something is amiss. It can be a little subtle hint that you're dropping. A randomly placed sigh that has a little too much weight behind it. A type of vocal inflection. A sort of off way that you're acting. The way your eyes look. The way you're playing with your hair, or -not- playing with your hair when you normally do. Sure, we all have off days.

But some of us are a little more in-tune with subtle changes in emotional flow than others.

And it hurts us. It hurts our trust for you. It hurts our hearts and our souls.

Secondly... If you're going to be in a serious relationship, be a partner to that person. Make them feel wanted. Do little things for them... And if they're not into little things, find that one thing that you know will make them just smile. If you don't know what can make them smile, try and find out. Ask them directly if you've no other way to find out.

If you still can't find out, and they just won't tell you "because you should know already" when they've not really shown any inclination in one direction or the other... Then I don't really know what to tell you. If they're not willing to show or share what makes them really itch in the saddle or feel wonderfully free and alive, then perhaps its time for a re-evaluation.

Partnerships and relationships (serious ones that is) need to be a 50-50 split. If someone is being the caboose and has no intentions of changing, that puts such a drain both physically and mentally on the other person that it could very well be dangerous to their health. If you are the caboose, it's time to step up and acknowledge that you need to pick it up. Don't put all the burden on your partner. Don't let them do -everything-. If you're physically or mentally incapable of doing something, let them know. Don't just shrug it off and expect -them- to be okay with it. They won't be. It will eventually embitter them. It will be quiet at first... Especially if you're not genuinely appreciative of what they do.

But it will grow. And if you're not open about your emotions, neither will they. It will turn toxic and eventually fail in a giant firey explosion of pain and un-needed anguish.

It feels so good to just... Talk right now. To let all of this out. To type this and be informative. I just wish more people could see exactly what I'm saying... Hear exactly what I'm feeling.

I've learned so much about myself over the past few months. What I like... What I don't like. Who I really am in this world. My turn ons, my turn offs. These are all things that I don't think I ever got the chance to really develop over the past eight years or so. Being free has opened my eyes to so much. So much that's close to me... My own family for instance. It's gotten me closer to them.

I've learned that the cry of a baby sparks a streak of empathy that makes me want to help. It's a sort of empathetic fix or flight. Either I help, or I need to get away because it unsettles me inside of me. I can blame my sweet niece Ashlyn for that one.I've also realized recently that I -really- don't want kids of my own. I'm fine with sticking with my niece as a "kid" and watch her grow up every day (or damn near every day).

I've learned the value of a true partner in a relationship. As I said above, someone who is a sort of "50-50" person. Someone who gives and takes. And allows the give and take of their partner. The sharing of responsibilities... The sharing of emotions. The mutual trust that exists between two people genuinely interested and invested in the relationship, in the hope that it succeeds. It feels so good. And to be honest, I would never go back to anything different. I couldn't deal with someone who was secretive or seclusive about their emotions.

When your partner is an enigma, the only thing you can be is frustrated and worried. That's it. The "mystique" of them wears off after a while, and no amount of love or devotion from you will change them. They have to be willing to change or open up to you if you've explained your position on it all. You cannot change that person though. And the thought that you can change them will only lead you to pain and anguish. And a lot of frustrated tears.

I feel so good right now in my heart. A lot has been bothering me lately. Even down here in beautiful Gulf Shores Alabama, on a vacation on the gulf of Mexico, I've been very stressed. Especially today... Gah. But splashing through the waves in the water and body-surfing in said waves has been therapeutic. The meditation that I did really helped to open me up. To wake up my mind and soul and allow my emotions to flow freely through me.

The sky is so clear right now. The moon is so bright. The stars are twinkling in just the right way. I love it... I love all of it. It's so wonderfully peaceful that I can hardly describe it other than "amazing". So much has just fallen right recently. I can't let one little thing (or a bunch of little things) work me down and take me off my platform that I've built again for myself.

I have confidence in myself again. I will not let someone or something take that away from me. I have hope in myself. I have hope in my relationship. In my friends. In my family. I have dreams again.

I believe, after I graduate from college that I'm going to possibly go back for a second bachelors degree in Psychology, with a follow-up masters in it. I've always had a passion for not only politics (hence the political science degree) but also how the human mind and psyche work and flow together.

I think I'd love to help people. Give back to the world... You know?

I can't wait for the future, now. Because every day is exciting. Every day is a new adventure. Every day is a new dream.

And I'm living it all; one day at a time. One step at a time.

A World is Born

A new world. A fresh one. A new life. That is what I'm creating for myself. One where the pain of the past is no longer pulling me, bringing me down.

I am now free. Why? Because I say that I am.

Sigur Ros - Fljótavík

Sjáum yfir rá

Sjóinn skerum frá

Við siglum mastri trú

Seglum þöndum

Við stýrum að í brú

Við siglum í land

Í stórgrýti og sand

Við vöðum í land

Ófremdarástand

Já, anskotann

Feginn fann ég þar

Þökkum ákaflega

Í skjóli neyðarhúss

Og við sváfum

Stórviðri ofsaði út

I've... Never been able to look out on the world with the sort of hope I'm able to right now.

I am filled with a sort of wonder that is... Hard to describe.

I need to go, though. I have a trip to pack for tomorrow :>

Sigur Ros - All Alright

I want him to know
What I have done
I want him to know
It's bad

I want him to know
What I have done
I want him to know
Right now

It may be this time tomorrow 
or maybe today
It is not right
Now it's better
Now we'll know
Now he'll know what I am feeling

I'm sitting with you
Sitting in silence
Listening to birds
It feels like home

Singing in tune together
A psalm for no one
They sing in tune
''Birdlove - it's strong''

They sing into the night now
They sing on for me
They sing into the night, and

You...
You are still next to me, alright

I'll leave you with that. Because everything will all be alright. Give it time. Give it hope. And a little elbow grease. You can make anyone and anything shine.