Why Can't It Be Simpler

The truth is, not much is simple for me. Things always have to be more complex than they really are. In relationships, I look too deeply into things. In friendships, I have a tendency to think that there's more going on in the background than there is. It's almost as if I can't accept that people just like me. Or that someone is just busy.

Or that things really are just that easy sometimes.

I hate this part of myself. It's hurt me during most of my adolescent and adult life. It's haunted me, patronized me and screwed up more for me than I could ever wish to think about. I've lost friends, loved ones and compatriots because of it. How can I even begin to re-work that part of myself? It's my own internal anxiety, and the inability to live with silence in myself.

I've fought with myself for years now trying to pin this down, trying to hold onto what makes me feel so anxious, and leads to my feelings of insecurity. Does it have some main source? Can I point to one thing in my past and say, "There. That's why I'm insecure"? No, not really. I think it might just be a flaw that I have. A very annoying, very overwhelming flaw to anyone that's around me that sees it. And I hate it. I hate that. I absolutely hate that part about me. I can't stand it. Do I hate myself for it? Again, no. But I do hate that aspect.

It all has to do with my own internal monologue. What I tell myself during the course of the day. It's as if I can't be content with just being me for a little while. That I have to surround myself with something, with someone. Involve myself in someone else's life, as if I'm afraid of my own. Or that I don't know what my own life is. It's an odd string of thoughts that lead me into these situations.

And it stresses me out. It stresses me out so much that I can't really concentrate on much. On school, on work, or even on my own personal things. Reading becomes a chore because I'm always interrupted by my thoughts... Writing is the same way. I can't connect to the flow of writing when I'm like this.

I wish it was as easy as saying, "Well, I guess it's just another part of me I have to work on," but it's not that simple. It's something I've identified before and struggled with. I want to just feel normal. Have the normal ups and downs, the normal ins and outs, without fighting with myself. Arguing, telling myself that something 'must' be happening or that something 'might' be happening. Or work myself up into a frustrated mess because I can't relax. It's like I'm wound too tight right now. It's like I'm either not getting enough sleep, enough exercise, or enough of... Something. I really don't know what.

But right now, I'm so frustrated at myself that I can barely stand it. I need to relax. I need to clear my head. I need to get over things.

I need to be able to just feel like me, even if it's only for a day. Shake off the dust, shake off the internal stress... Shake off the anxiety and the nervousness.

I think it might be a control issue. I don't know how to let other people in my life just be themselves, without me trying to interject, or interfere. I don't have much evidence for this externally, but internally, I believe it might be the cause. I'm an internal control freak. I don't try to mess with people, but internally, I want to have so much control over my friendships, relationships and personal life that I start to panic when things don't go how I want them to, or how I think I want them to.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I have control issues.

I'm scared that someone will do X, Y or Z, so I try to think of some way to control that from happening. Whether it's saying one thing to direct them in the opposite direction, or try to know exactly what they're feeling or thinking at the time, or try to look deeper than the person that they show to me. As if they're hiding something that I can't see.

And the more I think about it, the more frustrated I become at myself. I've tried to find peace-of-mind in myself, but have almost utterly failed at doing that.

I can't control anyone else but myself. I have to let people do what they will, be what they will. I have to let my friends and loved ones like me for who I am. I have to let things go. I have to let my past go. I have to let the future go.

Living in the present is much more difficult than it would seem to be...

I'm an idiot, seriously. You know, why can't things be more complicated than they really are? Then I would be justified for thinking the way I do!

... I'm being sarcastic, by the way. Kind of... Sort of.

I suppose I need to find a new way to relax myself. To tell myself that things aren't as nefarious as I make them out to be.

That I can allow life to flow as it does... Not how I think it needs to.

Bah. I'm tired now.