I used to do so well at expressing myself when I was in High School. I used to be able to just... Say it. Write it, draw it. Write a poem, or something. (Yeah, I was the emo artsy dude who was way too emotional.)
But now... It's like I can really hardly comprehend my own emotions sometimes. Am I lonely? Sad? Angry? Frustrated? Really, I don't know. It's just a downtrodden feeling. Like I've been run over and I'm now stuck in a rut. It's probably what it is, because it's not one thing that's causing it.
Truth be told, nothing really causes it. And if I think something is causing it, I over analyze it to the point that I come to find out that, no, it wasn't that thing I thought it was in the first place.
Hmm...
There's someone I'm missing right now... Someone who is so close to me, yet sort of feels out of reach. Do I still talk to this person? Yeah, I still talk to her. Every now and then, when I can. I understand that she's busy, I really do. That's not it. It's not the fact that I don't hear from her very much because of that it's...
... It's complicated. It really is. It's hard for me to really quantify or express it. It's an empty sort of lonely that makes me sort of sit back and go, "Ow..." when it pangs me every now and then. Not a real ow... Sort of a soulful ow, you know? She can't help it. It's not even her fault. Nor does she even know she's doing it. Nor should she, really.
I don't want to pull her down... Even though that's really not the right thing to say. I don't want to... Take her mind off of what's really important. I know that, by proxy, I'm calling myself unimportant. But... When compared to what she's doing? All the schooling she's going through... All the work she's put in and will put in... I know that she doesn't have time for me. Do I want her to have time for me? Well that's sort of a silly question. Of course I do. I'd love to be a big part of her life again. Or at least a little bigger. But I won't ask for it. It's not who I am to try and pry myself into someone else's life. If they want me there, they'll ask for me. And it's alright. I think it is anyway...
... It doesn't stop from stinging when I think about it. It doesn't really get rid of the sense of longing that I have in my heart.
I don't know. These are all things I really want to say, really want to bring up, but can't really bring myself to say them to her. It'll stress her out... Especially with all the work she has to do.
It's like watching someone from behind a piece of glass. You can watch them grow, you can watch them move about and learn... Interact. Watch them love...
But you can't talk to them. You can't hear them, as much as you press your ear to that glass.
You press your hand to the cold crystal but they can't feel your warmth, nor you theirs.
Even if you scream, all you hear is your own voice.
And no matter how much you beat against the glass, you're really only beating against your own mind and you fall over exhausted, having not gained an inch of ground.
It's not as bad as I pained that to be. It was a sudden inspirational little spurt that sort of rolled off of me as I wrote it. It felt good, oddly enough. That's what I mean by being able to express myself and my emotions.
That's what I miss. That flow.
The truth is, I haven't really been able to feel that flow for some time now. I don't know if it's just this year, or just sort of... everything, you know? In truth, it probably just is a mix of everything. My attention pulled in all different directions so that when I try to focus my attention on that thing, that writing or that drawing, I just get distracted before I can tap into that flow.
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I don't want this post to seem like a cry for help, because that's really not what it is. I'm just sort of venting right now. Beating my head against that glass a little so that I can organize my thoughts, get it out of me so I stop feeling so full of stuff.
So um... Some sort of update, besides the depressive junk that I just blurbed...
Oh! I've been meditating a lot more recently. I know a lot of people find it pointless or even stupid, but it really does help me. Closing my eyes, blanking out my mind and letting whatever flows through me to just pass... The ups, the downs, the ins and the outs. When I was feeling my most confined the other night (maybe four nights ago) I sat down and had a deep internal meditation that just did wonders. I found my balance again.
And it's something I have to keep telling myself, too. Find your balance.
I think I wrote about that the other day, I can't remember... And I'm too lazy to click the little button to go back and look. So we'll assume I did and this is just a sort of secondary update about it!
I need to do it again. I really do.
Or I just need to keep listening to Sigur Ros... That would help too.
I swear, they're one of the few bands that just send shivers down my spine every time I listen to them. I love it!
Oh yeah, I need to come up with an updated layout for this blog. I keep forgetting.
I'm terrible at remembering. Writing something down only goes so far in trying to remind yourself. I wish I could implant a computer in my mind to record everything... So that I could play it back and not forget anymore.
... Something tells me that forgetful nature that I've gained over the past year or so is the reason why I'm where I am today, in this slump, feeling alone.
I could be wrong.. But then again...
I could just be forgetting something.
Or I could be completely wrong about it all.
Or I could be taking something too personal that I have no control over.
Or...
There are too many possibilities, and I've over-thought this way too much. Bleh.
I'm sorry, I'll stop now.
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