The Journey is What's Important

Mumford & Sons

Reminder

Don't let me darken your door
It's not what I came here for
No it's not what I came here for

And I won't hear you cry when I'm gone
I won't know if I'm doing you wrong
I never know if I'm doing you wrong

Constant reminder of where I can find her
A light that might give up the way
Is all that I'm asking for
Without her I'm lost
Oh my love don't fade away

So watch the world tear us apart
A stoic mind and a bleeding heart
You never see my bleeding heart

and your lights always shining on
and I've been travelling oh so long
I've been travelling oh so long

Constant reminder of where I can find her
A light that might give up the way
Is all that I'm asking for
Without her I'm lost
Oh my love don't fade away

Oh my love don't fade away

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It's almost... Funny. How this new Mumford and Sons album is almost a soundtrack to the year I've had. Almost scary in a way, when you think about it. The truth is, I wish I understood more about this year. Had a little more closure on it all.

... It's been an interesting ride, and I'm tired from it all. Every day feels exhausting, regardless of how much  I really do.

It's something that I think is going to take time, the changing of the seasons even the changing of the year to heal. Talking about it just sort of... Helps it along. But it does not heal the wound.

I still feel as if I have a hole in my heart that only some things can temporarily fill before it spills out the back. The walls are fragile and can only hold so much right now.

I miss those I love. I love those I miss.

I wish I could reach out and hold on tight to the things that keep running away from me.

I think I am beginning to really understand why I've gone through all of this. I've said it before, but the reality is only starting to set in.

It's all part of the journey. This has all happened to teach me something. Let me reiterate that: something. Right now, I have no idea what that something is. My faith this year has been tested repeatedly. I hate that, too.

I hate being tested like that. I hate having my soul twisted into knots that hold me fast and tighten whenever I want to break free.

It's just one of those days, I think. Or one of those weeks... One where an escape would be wonderful. Not into video games, not into my own head (God forbid); but out into the world. Disappear and leave it all behind. Find it later, but just leave.

I wish I could.

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Mumford & Sons

Hopeless Wanderer

You heard my voice
I came out of the woods by choice
Shelter also gave their shade
But in the dark I have no name
So leave that click in my head
And I will remember the words that you said
Left a clouded mind and a heavy heart
But I was sure we could see a new start

So when your hope's on fire
But you know your desire
Don't hold a glass over the flame
Don't let your heart grow cold
I will call you by name
I will share your road

But hold me fast, hold me fast
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer
And hold me fast, Hold me fast
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer

I wrestled long with my youth
We tried so hard to live in the truth
But do not tell me all is fine
When I lose my head, I lose my spine

So leave that click in my head
And I will remember the words that you said
You brought me out from the cold
Now, how I long, how I long to grow old

So when your hope's on fire
But you know your desire
Don't hold a glass over the flame
Don't let your heart grow cold
I will call you by name
I will share your road

But hold me fast, hold me fast
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer
And hold me fast, Hold me fast
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer
I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under
I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under
The skies I'm under

There's Something I Don't Quite Get

I'm having another down day today. Really, though? It's sort of coming in waves, this time. It'll roll in, mix about and then sort of leave without saying goodbye. Then I'll feel a bit empty for a bit and then I'll start to feel better. But a little while later, here it comes back to say hello and make me feel trampled once again.

I used to do so well at expressing myself when I was in High School. I used to be able to just... Say it. Write it, draw it. Write a poem, or something. (Yeah, I was the emo artsy dude who was way too emotional.)

But now... It's like I can really hardly comprehend my own emotions sometimes. Am I lonely? Sad? Angry? Frustrated? Really, I don't know. It's just a downtrodden feeling. Like I've been run over and I'm now stuck in a rut. It's probably what it is, because it's not one thing that's causing it.

Truth be told, nothing really causes it. And if I think something is causing it, I over analyze it to the point that I come to find out that, no, it wasn't that thing I thought it was in the first place.

Hmm...

There's someone I'm missing right now... Someone who is so close to me, yet sort of feels out of reach. Do I still talk to this person? Yeah, I still talk to her. Every now and then, when I can. I understand that she's busy, I really do. That's not it. It's not the fact that I don't hear from her very much because of that it's...

... It's complicated. It really is. It's hard for me to really quantify or express it. It's an empty sort of lonely that makes me sort of sit back and go, "Ow..." when it pangs me every now and then. Not a real ow... Sort of a soulful ow, you know? She can't help it. It's not even her fault. Nor does she even know she's doing it. Nor should she, really.

I don't want to pull her down... Even though that's really not the right thing to say. I don't want to... Take her mind off of what's really important. I know that, by proxy, I'm calling myself unimportant. But... When compared to what she's doing? All the schooling she's going through... All the work she's put in and will put in... I know that she doesn't have time for me. Do I want her to have time for me? Well that's sort of a silly question. Of course I do. I'd love to be a big part of her life again. Or at least a little bigger. But I won't ask for it. It's not who I am to try and pry myself into someone else's life. If they want me there, they'll ask for me. And it's alright. I think it is anyway...

... It doesn't stop from stinging when I think about it. It doesn't really get rid of the sense of longing that I have in my heart.

I don't know. These are all things I really want to say, really want to bring up, but can't really bring myself to say them to her. It'll stress her out... Especially with all the work she has to do.

It's like watching someone from behind a piece of glass. You can watch them grow, you can watch them move about and learn... Interact. Watch them love...

But you can't talk to them. You can't hear them, as much as you press your ear to that glass.

You press your hand to the cold crystal but they can't feel your warmth, nor you theirs.

Even if you scream, all you hear is your own voice.

And no matter how much you beat against the glass, you're really only beating against your own mind and you fall over exhausted, having not gained an inch of ground.

It's not as bad as I pained that to be. It was a sudden inspirational little spurt that sort of rolled off of me as I wrote it. It felt good, oddly enough. That's what I mean by being able to express myself and my emotions.

That's what I miss. That flow.

The truth is, I haven't really been able to feel that flow for some time now. I don't know if it's just this year, or just sort of... everything, you know? In truth, it probably just is a mix of everything. My attention pulled in all different directions so that when I try to focus my attention on that thing, that writing or that drawing, I just get distracted before I can tap into that flow.

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I don't want this post to seem like a cry for help, because that's really not what it is. I'm just sort of venting right now. Beating my head against that glass a little so that I can organize my thoughts, get it out of me so I stop feeling so full of stuff.

So um... Some sort of update, besides the depressive junk that I just blurbed...

Oh! I've been meditating a lot more recently. I know a lot of people find it pointless or even stupid, but it really does help me. Closing my eyes, blanking out my mind and letting whatever flows through me to just pass... The ups, the downs, the ins and the outs. When I was feeling my most confined the other night (maybe four nights ago) I sat down and had a deep internal meditation that just did wonders. I found my balance again.

And it's something I have to keep telling myself, too. Find your balance.

I think I wrote about that the other day, I can't remember... And I'm too lazy to click the little button to go back and look. So we'll assume I did and this is just a sort of secondary update about it!

I need to do it again. I really do.

Or I just need to keep listening to Sigur Ros... That would help too.

I swear, they're one of the few bands that just send shivers down my spine every time I listen to them. I love it!

Oh yeah, I need to come up with an updated layout for this blog. I keep forgetting.

I'm terrible at remembering. Writing something down only goes so far in trying to remind yourself. I wish I could implant a computer in my mind to record everything... So that I could play it back and not forget anymore.

... Something tells me that forgetful nature that I've gained over the past year or so is the reason why I'm where I am today, in this slump, feeling alone.

I could be wrong.. But then again...

I could just be forgetting something.

Or I could be completely wrong about it all.

Or I could be taking something too personal that I have no control over.

Or...

There are too many possibilities, and I've over-thought this way too much. Bleh.

I'm sorry, I'll stop now.

The Internet Must Suck Today

I say this because, just about all day, I've had server errors and incomplete page loadings. On or off Wi-Fi. On or off 4G service. I thought it may have just been school being a jerk to me because I clicked on a few wry links on Reddit. But no, I think it's just the internet as a whole.

Besides that, today seems to be a headache day. Things are going well, so I don't feel too off.

I had a fun conversation with a guy at the Verizon store today about Mass Effect; specifically, Mass Effect 3! It may have been my shirt which proudly states Mass Effect 3 with Shepard on it... That may have been it. Can't guarantee anything on that.

I'm starting to feel more comfortable overall on things. More in balance. I forgot that when I went through my big meltdown a few years ago, the only way I really was able to change how I was acting or what I was doing, was to constantly remind myself what exactly it was that I needed to do. Since I've felt off balance, meditation and a constant reminder to "find my balance" has worked quite well. Changing your self talk - that's what it's about. Change what you tell yourself.

This year has ripped past me so quickly that it's hard to really gage where i am right now. I mean, I guess it's September 11th. 11 years after the terrible events of that morning.

And when I think that it has been 11 years? Wow, I mean... Really. Wow, you know? That was a while ago now. Like I said, this past year went by like it was nothing. I've been so mentally busy that the days have sort of blurred together.

It's not necessarily a bad thing that everything has crashed together like this... But it's definitely different. I was used to slow progression. I was used to things happening in their own time. I was used to just... Being off balance all the time, waiting for other people to make up their minds.

So when this year came about and I had to start making my own decisions, making my own choices, when people began to demand from me who I am? I really didn't know what to tell them.

I still don't. I'm still trying to find myself among the days.

I wish, that right now, I had an exact picture of who I am. I wish I was able to sit here and write it all out. Even if only for myself. I want to know who I really am. Where I really stand on certain issues. What kind of person I am.

People keep telling me that I'm such a good guy. That I'm this that or the other thing. It's not that I don't believe them, it's that... It's hard for me to understand where they're coming from. Which is also weird, I think.

I think I'm sort of rambling at this point. I'm going to try and write some before my next class starts. So... I'll write more later.

If you actually read my posts, thank you. I know not many people actually either care or know about my blog, so if you take the time to read this or follow my winding and wandering path through life... Thank you.

I'm planning on re-doing the entire layout of this blog soon. So expect some changes!

Away From The World

That is the title of the new Dave Matthews Band album. And it is amazing. Seriously, it is. I blame Sarah for getting me so obsessed with his music.

It just came out today. If you like Dave Matthews Band, you'll love the album. If you've never heard him before, go download this album.

Hmm...

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It's really hard to write right now. To write this... To write anything really. I'm feeling less dragged down and thrown around this week than I did last week. But that doesn't make my thoughts any less occluded by another haze.

It seems to be the common theme of this year - a fog. I just wish that I had a light in this fog. Which is funny, because my screen names, log in names and so forth are either Dunkel Nebel (which means dark fog) and also Nebel Licht (which means fog light).

I would almost call that irony.

Small update tonight. Not much to say anymore. I had something earlier, but lost it while listening to music.

Why Can't It Be Simpler

The truth is, not much is simple for me. Things always have to be more complex than they really are. In relationships, I look too deeply into things. In friendships, I have a tendency to think that there's more going on in the background than there is. It's almost as if I can't accept that people just like me. Or that someone is just busy.

Or that things really are just that easy sometimes.

I hate this part of myself. It's hurt me during most of my adolescent and adult life. It's haunted me, patronized me and screwed up more for me than I could ever wish to think about. I've lost friends, loved ones and compatriots because of it. How can I even begin to re-work that part of myself? It's my own internal anxiety, and the inability to live with silence in myself.

I've fought with myself for years now trying to pin this down, trying to hold onto what makes me feel so anxious, and leads to my feelings of insecurity. Does it have some main source? Can I point to one thing in my past and say, "There. That's why I'm insecure"? No, not really. I think it might just be a flaw that I have. A very annoying, very overwhelming flaw to anyone that's around me that sees it. And I hate it. I hate that. I absolutely hate that part about me. I can't stand it. Do I hate myself for it? Again, no. But I do hate that aspect.

It all has to do with my own internal monologue. What I tell myself during the course of the day. It's as if I can't be content with just being me for a little while. That I have to surround myself with something, with someone. Involve myself in someone else's life, as if I'm afraid of my own. Or that I don't know what my own life is. It's an odd string of thoughts that lead me into these situations.

And it stresses me out. It stresses me out so much that I can't really concentrate on much. On school, on work, or even on my own personal things. Reading becomes a chore because I'm always interrupted by my thoughts... Writing is the same way. I can't connect to the flow of writing when I'm like this.

I wish it was as easy as saying, "Well, I guess it's just another part of me I have to work on," but it's not that simple. It's something I've identified before and struggled with. I want to just feel normal. Have the normal ups and downs, the normal ins and outs, without fighting with myself. Arguing, telling myself that something 'must' be happening or that something 'might' be happening. Or work myself up into a frustrated mess because I can't relax. It's like I'm wound too tight right now. It's like I'm either not getting enough sleep, enough exercise, or enough of... Something. I really don't know what.

But right now, I'm so frustrated at myself that I can barely stand it. I need to relax. I need to clear my head. I need to get over things.

I need to be able to just feel like me, even if it's only for a day. Shake off the dust, shake off the internal stress... Shake off the anxiety and the nervousness.

I think it might be a control issue. I don't know how to let other people in my life just be themselves, without me trying to interject, or interfere. I don't have much evidence for this externally, but internally, I believe it might be the cause. I'm an internal control freak. I don't try to mess with people, but internally, I want to have so much control over my friendships, relationships and personal life that I start to panic when things don't go how I want them to, or how I think I want them to.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I have control issues.

I'm scared that someone will do X, Y or Z, so I try to think of some way to control that from happening. Whether it's saying one thing to direct them in the opposite direction, or try to know exactly what they're feeling or thinking at the time, or try to look deeper than the person that they show to me. As if they're hiding something that I can't see.

And the more I think about it, the more frustrated I become at myself. I've tried to find peace-of-mind in myself, but have almost utterly failed at doing that.

I can't control anyone else but myself. I have to let people do what they will, be what they will. I have to let my friends and loved ones like me for who I am. I have to let things go. I have to let my past go. I have to let the future go.

Living in the present is much more difficult than it would seem to be...

I'm an idiot, seriously. You know, why can't things be more complicated than they really are? Then I would be justified for thinking the way I do!

... I'm being sarcastic, by the way. Kind of... Sort of.

I suppose I need to find a new way to relax myself. To tell myself that things aren't as nefarious as I make them out to be.

That I can allow life to flow as it does... Not how I think it needs to.

Bah. I'm tired now.

Cynicism For One

Is it possible for someone to be hopeful and optimistic, wishing and imagining nothing but the best, but also be so full of cynicism? These two parts of my mind right now are warring with one another, basically summing up to zero. It's a muted battleground with ideas flashing in and out of existence, exploding into life then being doused with a doubtful rain.

Though it's hard to even describe it as that. It's not that dark; it seems to be focused around central ideas, mostly.

Which is the strange bit. It's both and neither at the same time for me currently. I can't say it's due to a lack of sleep, but it's almost as if it just shifts back and forth constantly.

I think it's just people in general that make me feel so cynical outward, but be optimistic internally. That's a better representation, I feel. I'm not so cynical with myself, but I am with others. People I don't know, really. Society as a whole, mostly.

I've really got nothing witty, nor inspiring to say today. My iPod is playing just about every song I don't want to listen to and my thoughts are a jumbled mess. Hey! It sounds like every day! Hah, I crack myself up.

Besides feeling mildly lonely today, class has me (once again) feeling tired and disconnected. I need to fix that this weekend while (if) I have time. It's not like I don't have the time. I just tell myself I don't have time and I listen.

Although, I've gotten quite good at keeping an agenda! Or calendar... I recently acquired a white board and in conjunction with my calendar I have on my wall next to my computer (the white board takes up the wall on the other side), I've been doing quite well in reminding myself of things! Dates, times, things to do... I've been forgetting less and less, because I always look around myself and play with things around my desk. One of those things happen to be the dry-erase markers of my White board.

This makes me insanely happy that I'm starting to forget things less and less. It's almost therapeutic, due to the fact that I was having trouble remembering to pick up my phone off my nightstand when I go to leave for school. Yay for absent mindedness wearing off!

It's like a haze is slowly being blown out of my head. A haze that has sort of sat over me for the past... Half a year to a year or so. Maybe.

I don't really know. I do know that I could use a hug right now.

Besides the newest Imagine Dragons album (which is pretty decent!), I have no real video to post this time. It's sort of becoming a reoccurring theme for me to actually post a song with each post. Not this time! Maybe next time.

... Maybe next time.

Things Change, Things Stay the Same

Words... Somewhat escape me at this moment. They're jumbled... Confused. They run through my mind, dancing and flitting upon a page only I can see, wishing to be written down and given life. But I can't really seem to grasp them. I wish I could. There's things I want to say, people I want to say these things to, but they catch in my throat and on the tips of my fingers, asking why I can't let them go.

They're my words. They're my feelings. I feel somewhat... Hollow, right now. But hollow isn't really a good word. Empty isn't either, because neither is very true. A cluttered, somewhat shaggy mess would be a better term, really. Ridden hard, put away wet with still a ghost of a smile still on my face from the experience.

It's been an amazing summer. But it seems summer has gone. Winter is coming (haha GoT).

I understand that, with time, things do change. People change... Feelings change. Things confuse us, confound us, inspire us... Drain us. Change us. Sometimes, though, I really wish they didn't have to. Sometimes I wish I could be selfish for those few moments, dig my heels in and say "Not yet"... But that's not who I am. Sometimes, I really just wish I had control over it all. Over the ebb and the flow. Over the dips and the mountains.

Sometimes, I wish the world were my own storybook. One that I could change and edit. The problem is, with a wish like that, I know the outcome would be terrible. Life would be boring... The experiences would be limited by what I would want, what I would come up with. Instead of marching to it's own beat, the world would march to mine... And to be honest, that doesn't sound like a very fun life.

People and the world have a right to evolve, change, ebb and flow.

This post is getting harder and harder to really... Wrap my mind around right now. The words are breaking free every now and then, but then getting caught other times. It's hard to explain.

I won't break and I won't crumble. There would be no point to all that I've accomplished over the past several months if I just gave up and went back to where I started. Thinking that I'm "back to square one" would do the same thing.

I'll be fine. I suppose I just need to find where to go from here.

All I need to do is remember.