Dreams

They've been rather vivid for me recently. They've been hard. They've been visceral. But... I believe it's my mind trying to reason with all that's happened in the past few months. All the stress, the worry... All of the unthinkables becoming reality.

It's been hard, but there's something that I have to remember, for myself. And that's to be alright.  That no matter what happens from day to day, that the hope is that tomorrow will be a better day. Even if it isn't, I have to hope and think that tomorrow will somehow, be better than today. Even if today was a good day, tomorrow will be better.

I have to get better. I have to grow, as a human being, for myself more than anyone else. I have to remember that the pain I feel will always be temporary. That, the pain from yesterday, is just that; yesterdays pain. That the hurt I feel tonight will be gone in the morning. I won't even think about it.

And saying that, is one of the hardest things to do for me. I think too much. I remember too much, and I hold on to way too much. Yesterday feels too real, and today feels ethereal. As if it doesn't even exist yet, until it becomes tomorrow. I think, therein lies my pain. My struggle. Trying to move through yesterday and the pain that I felt last night, or the night or week before, and moving beyond that.

Each day is a new step. Each day is something more. Each day is a new hope, a new promise of things better to come. Each time I talk with someone, or hear from someone I haven't heard from in a while, that's a step. It's a marker of moving on and up.

I'm tired of saying that "I wish things were different", because they can't be. My life has come the way it has for many reasons. And I've always said that everything happens for a reason, even if we can't know that reason. Even if that reason seems clouded in the darkness of our sorrow and pain, life clicks and happens for some reason. We keep going. We keep waking up. We don't stop. We don't crawl under a rock and in a hole and keep ourselves away forever, unless we want to never wake up again.

The nights are the hardest thing, I think. Getting to the point where I feel tired enough to lay my head down and sleep, is possibly one of the hardest things to do right now. I begin reflecting too much; I think too much. I need to just let it all go. I need to remember to tell myself, just to let it all go.

I know things will come back around again, someday. And it will probably happen when I least expect it. When I'm not even thinking about it.

When tomorrow comes, I will know it's here. When the light re-enters my life and fills me up with warmth, I will know it's here.

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Recently, I've been having... Issues, with my faith. My spirituality. It's hard for me to admit that I have been having problems with it... Second guessing it.. Doubting it. I think that's one of the things that's caused me the most heart-ache. Because I have always been a very spiritual person, believing in God in some form. Praying, wishing and keeping that hope alive in my heart and in my soul. I need to check myself. I need to re-touch that spiritual side of me. I need to keep it in me, and not let it go. It's always been important to me... Always. I don't want to lose it now, not when I know that I've already made it out of rock-bottom.

And I think, really... We all question our faith. Even the Atheists and Agnostics. Them, more than anyone. But even the faith-full feel their own faith waver from time to time... Some just never get it back.

It's time that I, with my own strength of will and determination, rekindle my faith in God and find my happiness within myself.

I need to start going back to the gym. I need to start riding my bike again.

I need to get healthy, again. For me. Not because I promise someone else. But because I promise myself.

I want so badly to feel warm again. I'm tired of feeling cold. But I realize that I am in full control of my own happiness, of my own well being. I need to stop hurting myself.

Help me hope.

Help me dream, again.

And smile.