And by eating, I mean bangin' amirite? Pfft, I'm pathetic. Anyway, I figured I would go for about a post a day, seeing as I have this thing... So why not use it a little? Or a lot, depending on your view of things.
Occasionally, depending on my mood, I will tell stories. Depending on my mood, I will just spout how I feel at that moment.
Depending on if I'm at school, I will post certain things and decide not to post other things. I don't really know what I'll do, so just be prepared if you're reading this to get a little bit of everything from me. This will be a journal, as well as a place for me to just sort of be me. To try and like myself for who I am. That sort of thing.
But most importantly... I want to feel real.
I've come to the conclusion recently that I don't really feel real to some people. People close to me, I suppose. I feel as if I've never been real. Just someone who they can come to when they feel like it and speak to, but then totally ignore when I'm either going through my own issues, or when they just sort of don't want to deal with me.
I wonder if this is a sort of... Sickness of the internet. It allows you to be there when you feel like it, but not when you don't. You're a convenience for them to come to in a time of need or when they feel "bored". Otherwise, they're able to shut you down and toss you away when they feel tired of you. The problem is, I see these relationships with other people as being real... Something that I know to be real, and tactile. I can feel it in my blood, in my bones. My heart is heavy with the strained relationships which have come to nothing and fallen away to the wayside, because I was cast aside for different folk.
That's just how I feel about that. It's about no one in particular... And not just a single person. Many people have made me feel this way throughout the years.
Also, I learned something today. Something that made a great deal of sense when I actually read it. That thing is this!
http://www.thedirtynormal.com/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/
Basically, it talks about the difference between a spontaneous sex drive, and a sort of reactive one. It made sense in so many ways and helped me deal with a mental issue that I've had with some time. Sex makes a bit more sense. I found it interesting, anyway...
------------------------------
So, today is my first day back at school. Normally, I'm up-beat and ready to take on a new quarter. I've got my nose ready to press to the grind-stone and my heart is in the right place to get things done. Today feels different. Today feels... Alien. I don't want to be here. It's one of those feelings that's hard to describe, other than the want to just "go". But I don't know where I'd go, that's the problem. I don't want to go home. I don't want to go anywhere in particular. I just want to go. Keep going and never look back. Wander without purpose. I want to go back to Europe. I want to visit so many places.
It's sort of why I've thought about joining the Army recently. Yeah, the Army. I've already tried to join the Air Force, and they turned me away due to a food allergy. Sure, I could get a waiver for my peanut allergy, but that's bullshit I don't want to deal with. Most likely, I would deal with it in the Army as well. Or Navy. I'd probably have to get a waiver no matter what I went into. But I feel that I could have a chance to see more in the world if I went with an armed service other than the Air Force. I don't really know. I could be deployed just about anywhere in either. So I suppose... Nothing matters in the end.
But my ideas and thoughts for graduation have quickly turned sour to me. With my school suddenly shifting over to Semesters instead of Quarters, my possible graduation date has shifted to something that is intangible. No one can tell me -exactly- when I can graduate. The calculations from Quarter-Hours to Semester-Hours is something that is stupidly complicated and thoroughly frustrating as you get a different answer every time you calculate it. It's starting to piss me off something fierce, is what I'm trying to say. I've almost come to the point in my literal 6 year college education where I almost don't give a damn anymore. And with my recent problems with emotions and the like... Haven't made it any easier to get my ass out of bed and get going.
I want to but...
I really don't at the same time.
It's... Complicated.
Though, I do feel that this next class I have (which is a once-a-week class at 6:05 in the evening on Tuesdays) is going to be fun. The title of the class is: History and Politics of Intel Gathering. AKA: SPY JUNK. AKA: BITCHIN' TIME. I hope.
I've always sort of wanted to get into the intel-gathering or intel-world. The most likely application of my wants would probably be intel-analysis. Figuring out what all the data that pours into our world actually means. Use my brain. Eventually write books. :D that would be fun.
If you've not already noticed, I will probably use a different font with every post just to make things more interesting for myself. That, and Courier reminds me of the old days of writing stories in Notepad. Oh, the good old days of Notepad. How cruddy you actually were.
Hmm... I should post some of my writing here. See how it goes... That would be fun, I think.
Damn it, why can't my next class be in ten minutes instead of over 35? I guess I could keep typing about my life.
Or I could go try and do something productive. Hah, productivity. What a joke!
No comments:
Post a Comment