Dreams

They've been rather vivid for me recently. They've been hard. They've been visceral. But... I believe it's my mind trying to reason with all that's happened in the past few months. All the stress, the worry... All of the unthinkables becoming reality.

It's been hard, but there's something that I have to remember, for myself. And that's to be alright.  That no matter what happens from day to day, that the hope is that tomorrow will be a better day. Even if it isn't, I have to hope and think that tomorrow will somehow, be better than today. Even if today was a good day, tomorrow will be better.

I have to get better. I have to grow, as a human being, for myself more than anyone else. I have to remember that the pain I feel will always be temporary. That, the pain from yesterday, is just that; yesterdays pain. That the hurt I feel tonight will be gone in the morning. I won't even think about it.

And saying that, is one of the hardest things to do for me. I think too much. I remember too much, and I hold on to way too much. Yesterday feels too real, and today feels ethereal. As if it doesn't even exist yet, until it becomes tomorrow. I think, therein lies my pain. My struggle. Trying to move through yesterday and the pain that I felt last night, or the night or week before, and moving beyond that.

Each day is a new step. Each day is something more. Each day is a new hope, a new promise of things better to come. Each time I talk with someone, or hear from someone I haven't heard from in a while, that's a step. It's a marker of moving on and up.

I'm tired of saying that "I wish things were different", because they can't be. My life has come the way it has for many reasons. And I've always said that everything happens for a reason, even if we can't know that reason. Even if that reason seems clouded in the darkness of our sorrow and pain, life clicks and happens for some reason. We keep going. We keep waking up. We don't stop. We don't crawl under a rock and in a hole and keep ourselves away forever, unless we want to never wake up again.

The nights are the hardest thing, I think. Getting to the point where I feel tired enough to lay my head down and sleep, is possibly one of the hardest things to do right now. I begin reflecting too much; I think too much. I need to just let it all go. I need to remember to tell myself, just to let it all go.

I know things will come back around again, someday. And it will probably happen when I least expect it. When I'm not even thinking about it.

When tomorrow comes, I will know it's here. When the light re-enters my life and fills me up with warmth, I will know it's here.

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Recently, I've been having... Issues, with my faith. My spirituality. It's hard for me to admit that I have been having problems with it... Second guessing it.. Doubting it. I think that's one of the things that's caused me the most heart-ache. Because I have always been a very spiritual person, believing in God in some form. Praying, wishing and keeping that hope alive in my heart and in my soul. I need to check myself. I need to re-touch that spiritual side of me. I need to keep it in me, and not let it go. It's always been important to me... Always. I don't want to lose it now, not when I know that I've already made it out of rock-bottom.

And I think, really... We all question our faith. Even the Atheists and Agnostics. Them, more than anyone. But even the faith-full feel their own faith waver from time to time... Some just never get it back.

It's time that I, with my own strength of will and determination, rekindle my faith in God and find my happiness within myself.

I need to start going back to the gym. I need to start riding my bike again.

I need to get healthy, again. For me. Not because I promise someone else. But because I promise myself.

I want so badly to feel warm again. I'm tired of feeling cold. But I realize that I am in full control of my own happiness, of my own well being. I need to stop hurting myself.

Help me hope.

Help me dream, again.

And smile.

Over You

This... Song... Hits especially close to me right now. Memories hurt. And the fresh wounds those memories leave still sting when the water hits them.

I'm a hopeless romantic, and I can't help it.

Regardless of the context of the song... It's as if someone close to me died those days. It's still hard to think about.

Miranda Lambert - Over You

Weather man said it's gonna snow,
By now I should be used to the cold. 
Mid-February shouldn't be so scary.
It was only December, 
I still remember the presents,the tree, you and me.

But you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you. 
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.

Living alone, here in this place,
I think of you and I'm not afraid. 
Your favorite records make me feel better,
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/miranda-lambert-lyrics/over-you-lyrics.html |]
Cause you sing along with every song.

I know you didn't mean to give them to me. 

But you went away, 
How dare you? 
I miss you. 
They say I'll be okay, 
But I'm not going to ever get over you. 

It really sinks in, you know, 
When I see it in stone

'Cause you went away
How dare you?
I miss you. 
They say I'll be okay, 
But I'm not going to ever get over you.

It's hard to think. It's even hard to breathe, sometimes.

The days are getting a little easier to deal with... Only a little though.

Even if I take every day a step at a time... It still hurts. Those wounds still hurt. The scars of long past ache again.

I'm sorry.

Props are Needed

Regardless of how I feel about the vague ending to Mass Effect 3... The game was amazing. The story that I followed for all three games, was amazing. Every bit of it, was amazing.

The music from the third game had me crying.

The love story culmination had me crying.

The sound, the atmosphere had me on my knees.

Even though the ending is controversial, I have to say that it is possibly my single most favorite game, and my absolute hands down most favorite sci-fi drama that I've ever experienced. It's better than Star Wars for me. It's better than Star Trek.

Drew Karpyshyn; I wish I could get his autograph. I want the autograph of many people who worked on the Mass Effect series, and in a more broad scope, the Mass Effect universe. That story has had a profound effect on me. It's help me expand my writing.

Sorry, I'll stop fanboygasming all over the floor.

This Is All A Joke

It feels as if life itself is just one joke after another. Something to keep us slightly amused before it slams us in the chest with something that reminds us just how shitty our existence really is.


Who am I kidding... I try to keep myself in good spirits, but the truth is I've been so down that I hardly want to drag myself out of bed in the mornings. Or afternoons. My happy up-beat nature that I had feels like it's wearing down to nothing. I feel exhausted almost every day. I don't want to write, go to school, or go to work.


I don't much have the urge to do anything anymore. I want to go lay down right now.


I want to go to sleep. I want... To do something.


I just wish I knew what that something was. And if it would help me find happiness in myself again.

Day Two: The Brains have begun eating one another

And by eating, I mean bangin' amirite? Pfft, I'm pathetic. Anyway, I figured I would go for about a post a day, seeing as I have this thing... So why not use it a little? Or a lot, depending on your view of things.


Occasionally, depending on my mood, I will tell stories. Depending on my mood, I will just spout how I feel at that moment.


Depending on if I'm at school, I will post certain things and decide not to post other things. I don't really know what I'll do, so just be prepared if you're reading this to get a little bit of everything from me. This will be a journal, as well as a place for me to just sort of be me. To try and like myself for who I am. That sort of thing.


But most importantly... I want to feel real.


I've come to the conclusion recently that I don't really feel real to some people. People close to me, I suppose. I feel as if I've never been real. Just someone who they can come to when they feel like it and speak to, but then totally ignore when I'm either going through my own issues, or when they just sort of don't want to deal with me.


I wonder if this is a sort of... Sickness of the internet. It allows you to be there when you feel like it, but not when you don't. You're a convenience for them to come to in a time of need or when they feel "bored". Otherwise, they're able to shut you down and toss you away when they feel tired of you. The problem is, I see these relationships with other people as being real... Something that I know to be real, and tactile. I can feel it in my blood, in my bones. My heart is heavy with the strained relationships which have come to nothing and fallen away to the wayside, because I was cast aside for different folk.


That's just how I feel about that. It's about no one in particular... And not just a single person. Many people have made me feel this way throughout the years.


Also, I learned something today. Something that made a great deal of sense when I actually read it. That thing is this!


http://www.thedirtynormal.com/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/


Basically, it talks about the difference between a spontaneous sex drive, and a sort of reactive one. It made sense in so many ways and helped me deal with a mental issue that I've had with some time. Sex makes a bit more sense. I found it interesting, anyway...


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So, today is my first day back at school. Normally, I'm up-beat and ready to take on a new quarter. I've got my nose ready to press to the grind-stone and my heart is in the right place to get things done. Today feels different. Today feels... Alien. I don't want to be here. It's one of those feelings that's hard to describe, other than the want to just "go". But I don't know where I'd go, that's the problem. I don't want to go home. I don't want to go anywhere in particular. I just want to go. Keep going and never look back. Wander without purpose. I want to go back to Europe. I want to visit so many places.


It's sort of why I've thought about joining the Army recently. Yeah, the Army. I've already tried to join the Air Force, and they turned me away due to a food allergy. Sure, I could get a waiver for my peanut allergy, but that's bullshit I don't want to deal with. Most likely, I would deal with it in the Army as well. Or Navy. I'd probably have to get a waiver no matter what I went into. But I feel that I could have a chance to see more in the world if I went with an armed service other than the Air Force. I don't really know. I could be deployed just about anywhere in either. So I suppose... Nothing matters in the end.


But my ideas and thoughts for graduation have quickly turned sour to me. With my school suddenly shifting over to Semesters instead of Quarters, my possible graduation date has shifted to something that is intangible. No one can tell me -exactly- when I can graduate. The calculations from Quarter-Hours to Semester-Hours is something that is stupidly complicated and thoroughly frustrating as you get a different answer every time you calculate it. It's starting to piss me off something fierce, is what I'm trying to say. I've almost come to the point in my literal 6 year college education where I almost don't give a damn anymore. And with my recent problems with emotions and the like... Haven't made it any easier to get my ass out of bed and get going.


I want to but...


I really don't at the same time.


It's... Complicated.


Though, I do feel that this next class I have (which is a once-a-week class at 6:05 in the evening on Tuesdays) is going to be fun. The title of the class is: History and Politics of Intel Gathering. AKA: SPY JUNK. AKA: BITCHIN' TIME. I hope.


I've always sort of wanted to get into the intel-gathering or intel-world. The most likely application of my wants would probably be intel-analysis. Figuring out what all the data that pours into our world actually means. Use my brain. Eventually write books. :D that would be fun.


If you've not already noticed, I will probably use a different font with every post just to make things more interesting for myself. That, and Courier reminds me of the old days of writing stories in Notepad. Oh, the good old days of Notepad. How cruddy you actually were.


Hmm... I should post some of my writing here. See how it goes... That would be fun, I think.


Damn it, why can't my next class be in ten minutes instead of over 35? I guess I could keep typing about my life.


Or I could go try and do something productive. Hah, productivity. What a joke!

Why is this so hard!

I've... No idea, really. I figured I would start this whole thing, because I mean... Really. I've been meaning to have one since who knows how long, and I even had a friend of mine set me up one some many moons ago but, as you can see, there's nothing here. So if you're here for one reason or another, you obviously have a reason to want to read what comes out of me on a day-to-day basis.


If you're someone new, or someone old, someone I know or someone I don't, welcome. Hopefully, you won't be too terribly disturbed by what you see in here.


Anyway...


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I've been writing today! Well, for the past two days I should say. I have seven pages of hand-written manuscript that I just love. I'll possibly post an excerpt from it. I mean...


Even though it's a fanfiction of Mass Effect 3...


We'll ignore that spot right there. Lets just... Sweep it under the carpet. There we go.


I love that series, I really do. If only it ended better...


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My mind has been a literal minefield recently. It's been blown up, shot, sliced and utterly destroyed over the past few months. My heart has been there right through it all, as well. It's hard to describe exactly how I feel at this point. It's hard to put it all to words and that's saying something. I could start at the beginning, but there's too much to really go over. So maybe parts will be stretched out and strung along as I try and write this. But let's be honest... Who's really going to read this anyway? Except you, of course. If you're reading this, well then... You're one of the few. <3


I have someone who's very close to me, who sadly... Has become un-close over the past few months. This has been something I've taken very hard because, well... I thought we would be together forever. You know, the whole "planning of futures and marriages and future homes" sort of leads one to believe that they've found their perfect match.


We've been together for years. Friends... Lovers. She is quite honestly my best friend. There are things I've told her that no one else on this planet knows. Not even my scribbling writing books that I fill with page after page of dribble. She knows me even better than I know myself.


Then suddenly, my entire world came crashing and screeching and screaming to a halt faster than I could have ever imagined. It all fell apart one night and quite honestly I've been trying to pick myself back up ever since. It's hard to think about what I need to do when I have this... Giant whale in my room, "OoooOooorrrrr"ing at me every three seconds, trying to get my attention and make me feel bad that I've got a friggin WHALE in my room. They like being in the sea, with their other whale brethren. Not in my room taking up all my space and screaming at me with one of the loudest organic sounds known to man!


Anyway, weird analogies aside, I've come to an impasse. Recently, I sort of... Screwed up. I know what I did, and I'm not going to repeat it here. Needless to say, we're not talking. And as much as I try to tell myself that things are alright and that it's not the end of the world, nor the end of our friendship, it feels as if it is. It feels as if it's my fault, and if I had just kept my mouth shut and dealt with my own pain like a man is supposed to (?) I wouldn't be in the situation I am right now. I feel terrible. I can't really think straight. Even this blog is a desperate attempt at grasping at my own mental straws at the moment.


...When everything came crashing down, it was in the middle of the school-quarter. I nearly quit caring. I almost stopped doing anything relating to school for nearly a week or so. And in a quarter-based college system, a week is a LONG time to not give much of a fack one way or the other.


Thankfully, I didn't tank school. I finished with two B's and an A, which I'm actually rather proud of. I stuck with it. I'm proud that, for once, I didn't let my emotions override my need to get through it and prove to myself that I'll be alright. And I do know that... I will be alright. It's just... Convincing myself that I will, is the hardest part. Trying not to turn toward any vice to get myself through this hard time... That's a bit harder. I'm not drinking, thankfully. I don't like drinking actually. I don't do drugs... So it's not like I can escape.


I just have my writing.


And I've been escaping into that quite regularly. Or at least trying. And I guess that's what's important, right? At least we try.


I just wish, I hope... That things can get better. That everything isn't lost. That this... Will all just pass. "Time heals all wounds"... Pfft. Time sucks.


Anyway, I think that's good for a first post. I'm going to go wander outside in the dark for a few minutes.