Okay Now...

Alright, I have to get this off my chest.


What was once depression and soul-crushing frustration has thoroughly turned into anger and frustration. It hasn't become a bitterness now, but it's approaching that at an alarming pace.


If you can't talk to me like a normal person when I've done nothing but try and be a friend to you? Forget you. Seriously. I've dealt with people like this my entire life. And for someone to do this to me, when I've known these people for years, it makes me sick. It makes my skin crawl. A simple text message, a call, an email or something else would be the more adult way to deal with things.


I'm in a period of transition in my life where I have to prioritize my emotions. Prioritize my stress and what's really important to me. Sometimes I just have to re-organize my life to improve my own mental health. Recently, I've been doing just that.

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath

Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

(Ignore the fact that this IS from Twilight... I love this song regardless. The first time that I heard it, I cried. I also think Christina Perri has an amazing singing voice!)

I originally started this post out as a rant. I don't know if I can keep that up. It's unhealthy of me to continue the negative emotional explosion that other people may unnecessarily throw onto me. I understand if you're upset with me, or even if you're mad at me... Or hate me. But please, talk to me. Have the decency to talk to me and let me know what's going on. Talk to me. Help me to understand.

Don't sit behind me and yell at my back as if I'm some wall that doesn't feel.

There I go, starting that rant again. To be honest... I did about a good hour-long meditation session tonight. It started in the hot-tub and then went outside into the pool, under a wonderfully clear bright moon-filled night. My heart melted and my soul felt light. I shook the stress that's been building up in my soul and let it out with each breath. It felt so good...

It made me remember that I've not meditated in almost four to five months.

It also made me remember what I've been missing from my life. And why I'm so very glad that things have changed.

I realized something very important about myself. About my likes and dislikes in people. And this is something I have to say. I never realized it until I found someone that didn't do this to me.

I cannot, under any circumstance, stand being given the emotional run-around. Playing the emotional guessing game, where you have to literally sit there and wonder all the time if the other person is -actually- alright and meaning what they say. You ask them if something is wrong, they say no... When in reality, something was wrong all along.

If you're going to be in a relationship, whether it be friendship or anything more serious than that, and you want to keep that person as a long-term friend... Don't do this to them. If you care for them at -all-... Don't do this to them. The amount of stress it puts on them can be deadly. Literally. Talk to your friend or partner. If something is wrong, trust them enough to talk to them. Tell them your feelings. Don't tell them "nothing is wrong" when something is definately wrong. It worries them.

Especially people like me who are -very- empathetic and can physically feel that something is amiss. It can be a little subtle hint that you're dropping. A randomly placed sigh that has a little too much weight behind it. A type of vocal inflection. A sort of off way that you're acting. The way your eyes look. The way you're playing with your hair, or -not- playing with your hair when you normally do. Sure, we all have off days.

But some of us are a little more in-tune with subtle changes in emotional flow than others.

And it hurts us. It hurts our trust for you. It hurts our hearts and our souls.

Secondly... If you're going to be in a serious relationship, be a partner to that person. Make them feel wanted. Do little things for them... And if they're not into little things, find that one thing that you know will make them just smile. If you don't know what can make them smile, try and find out. Ask them directly if you've no other way to find out.

If you still can't find out, and they just won't tell you "because you should know already" when they've not really shown any inclination in one direction or the other... Then I don't really know what to tell you. If they're not willing to show or share what makes them really itch in the saddle or feel wonderfully free and alive, then perhaps its time for a re-evaluation.

Partnerships and relationships (serious ones that is) need to be a 50-50 split. If someone is being the caboose and has no intentions of changing, that puts such a drain both physically and mentally on the other person that it could very well be dangerous to their health. If you are the caboose, it's time to step up and acknowledge that you need to pick it up. Don't put all the burden on your partner. Don't let them do -everything-. If you're physically or mentally incapable of doing something, let them know. Don't just shrug it off and expect -them- to be okay with it. They won't be. It will eventually embitter them. It will be quiet at first... Especially if you're not genuinely appreciative of what they do.

But it will grow. And if you're not open about your emotions, neither will they. It will turn toxic and eventually fail in a giant firey explosion of pain and un-needed anguish.

It feels so good to just... Talk right now. To let all of this out. To type this and be informative. I just wish more people could see exactly what I'm saying... Hear exactly what I'm feeling.

I've learned so much about myself over the past few months. What I like... What I don't like. Who I really am in this world. My turn ons, my turn offs. These are all things that I don't think I ever got the chance to really develop over the past eight years or so. Being free has opened my eyes to so much. So much that's close to me... My own family for instance. It's gotten me closer to them.

I've learned that the cry of a baby sparks a streak of empathy that makes me want to help. It's a sort of empathetic fix or flight. Either I help, or I need to get away because it unsettles me inside of me. I can blame my sweet niece Ashlyn for that one.I've also realized recently that I -really- don't want kids of my own. I'm fine with sticking with my niece as a "kid" and watch her grow up every day (or damn near every day).

I've learned the value of a true partner in a relationship. As I said above, someone who is a sort of "50-50" person. Someone who gives and takes. And allows the give and take of their partner. The sharing of responsibilities... The sharing of emotions. The mutual trust that exists between two people genuinely interested and invested in the relationship, in the hope that it succeeds. It feels so good. And to be honest, I would never go back to anything different. I couldn't deal with someone who was secretive or seclusive about their emotions.

When your partner is an enigma, the only thing you can be is frustrated and worried. That's it. The "mystique" of them wears off after a while, and no amount of love or devotion from you will change them. They have to be willing to change or open up to you if you've explained your position on it all. You cannot change that person though. And the thought that you can change them will only lead you to pain and anguish. And a lot of frustrated tears.

I feel so good right now in my heart. A lot has been bothering me lately. Even down here in beautiful Gulf Shores Alabama, on a vacation on the gulf of Mexico, I've been very stressed. Especially today... Gah. But splashing through the waves in the water and body-surfing in said waves has been therapeutic. The meditation that I did really helped to open me up. To wake up my mind and soul and allow my emotions to flow freely through me.

The sky is so clear right now. The moon is so bright. The stars are twinkling in just the right way. I love it... I love all of it. It's so wonderfully peaceful that I can hardly describe it other than "amazing". So much has just fallen right recently. I can't let one little thing (or a bunch of little things) work me down and take me off my platform that I've built again for myself.

I have confidence in myself again. I will not let someone or something take that away from me. I have hope in myself. I have hope in my relationship. In my friends. In my family. I have dreams again.

I believe, after I graduate from college that I'm going to possibly go back for a second bachelors degree in Psychology, with a follow-up masters in it. I've always had a passion for not only politics (hence the political science degree) but also how the human mind and psyche work and flow together.

I think I'd love to help people. Give back to the world... You know?

I can't wait for the future, now. Because every day is exciting. Every day is a new adventure. Every day is a new dream.

And I'm living it all; one day at a time. One step at a time.