A New Day; A New Ache

I know, I haven't posted anything new for some time. I've been... Going through the motions, as it were. Life has been taking me on an interesting journey recently, and I've been getting to know someone -very- special as of late. I don't want to say much about it...

That's a lie, I do. It's just hard for me to put into words at the moment. I'm having one of my... Days.

I've moved on... At least, I think I have. I want to have moved on, because the memories of what's been lost still haunt my thoughts. I wasn't able to sleep this morning because of them... The memories. The old hopes. They still tug at me, and still itch. It's like something you honestly just can't scratch. It's like a scab that wont' seem to fall off and whenever you try to pick at it, the pain is so great that you recoil.

This new person... They're amazing. What's happened has left me so scared of other people, but they've been there helping to pick me up, help me to smile... Understanding my pain and my anguish on a day to day basis. Their smile, their eyes... They make me feel so good inside.

They tell me that I'm allowed to have days where I feel awkward... Scared. Where I feel off-kilter and just...

Destroyed.

Today is a day that's just going on a roller-coaster. I've been going from feeling amazing and happy, to cold and alone... Where I just want to curl into a ball and hide. I've come to realize that I don't know my emotions as well as I wish I did.

Because I don't want days like this anymore. I want to shrug off the baggage that this entire experience has left me with. The pain of the years lost...

I want to feel free, myself. But I don't. I feel chained to those old emotions, that older way of thinking. I feel like my six walls are tightening in about me, and that I'm hanging from chains within it... That it's trying to keep me back.

It's taking me longer than I want to break these chains... To break this wall. God, I want to. I want to so bad...

... But I'm taking every day one step at a time. They're helping me. They're holding me and letting me know that I'm not alone in this soul-crushing pain. It feels so good...

The help I spoke about earlier, in my last post, is medicine. I've gone back on an anti-depressant... A mild dose, that's used to really help treat panic attacks. I've been having those recently... Not so much since I started the medicine, but they're still there. It's like a snake that crawls up your spine and wraps about it so tight that it feels like you're going to just -die-.

I feel pathetic right now. I can't ask myself why I keep feeling this way, because I know. And the fact that I know makes me even more upset. But what's really the kicker is that I can't... really do anything about it. I feel as if I only have half the pieces to put myself back together. It's like I lost the other bunch of pieces somewhere along the way... Like I was being chipped away at slowly for months, maybe years before the entire world came crashing down. When my old life ended...

I want to find those other pieces. Maybe then I can start breaking through those walls again... Right now, they feel sort of warm and safe.

I'll feel better later. It's probably just the weather right now...