With the closure crashing upon me like the waves I will be seeing in Southern Louisiana next month, I feel a different sort of pain seeping into my healing consciousness. It's something that I did not expect. I wasn't prepared for it.
I suddenly feel a hole inside of my heart where something used to be. The closure from this whole event has left me feeling... Empty, inside. This emptiness has filled me up and taken it's claws into me tonight. It's hard for me to describe. I feel free and liberated, exhilarated even with the knowledge that I have a friend back, and that I'm free from this anxiety and internal-terror... But this heavy feeling of loss is sitting in my chest. It has no name, it has no face. It is just... Empty.
This is something very different to me. It's a sort of feeling I haven't felt in a long time. The sort of "The room is full of people but I feel alone" sort of thing. It's been wavering, back and forth this evening. It's come and gone, like the tide.
I know this feeling will pass with time. I also know that now, the real healing can begin.
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I went to my first bar tonight. It was actually an enjoyable experience. Hung out with my friends, played some Munchkin (which is hilariously funny. I recommend it to any geek out there), and just sort of hung out.
I didn't drink. In fact, even though it was my first trip to the bar, I chose myself as the designated driver. It felt oddly good, just sitting there enjoying the company. Letting them fill that space in my heart for a little while. I had a lot of fun, by the end of the night. I would totally do it again.
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It's hard not to say that I wouldn't change anything about my life right now. The regret I seem to need to feel is overlapping the need to break through that wall of regret. I feel as if I messed up somewhere along the way. As if I could have avoided all of this. I feel as if I could have fixed it... Kept it from happening. Stopped myself before I lost everything.
But lives change... Feelings change. Lovers change and... I hope it was all for the better. It's time for me to mourn, finally. It will take a few days of silent mourning but... I will get over it. I know I will... As soon as I can get over that sharp twinge of regret that is tarnishing my silver-lined cloud.
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I honestly apologize for the rather dreary and cloud-covered post right now. Especially after such an absolutely mind-blowingly exciting post such as last-nights...
But it's hard not to feel this right now. To feel this loss. It's... Tactile, now. It's something I can actually hold onto and hug to my chest. It feels as if I'm holding onto an old friend and watching it pass away. It's a strange, living thing that I once cherished.
I will always cherish it. It was so very dear to me. I want to say that I wouldn't change it for anything in the world, because it's helped keep me safe and mold me into the person I am today. But... Looking at things from a hindsight perspective can feel like a sharp needle poking into your chest. You look at certain situations and go "What if I had..." and that hurts the most. Wondering if things would be different...
I shouldn't think like that. I need to keep my mind and my heart pointed toward the future. With hope...
But I also need to allow myself to mourn.
I think it's time for bed.
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