Things Are Different Now

Thompson Square - Glass

Trying to live and love,

With a heart that can't be broken,

Is like trying to see the light with eyes that can't be opened.

Yeah, we both carry baggage,

We picked up on our way, so if you love me do it gently,

And I will do the same.

We may shine, we may shatter,

We may be picking up the pieces here on after,

We are fragile, we are human,

We are shaped by the light we let through us,

We break fast, cause we are glass.

Cause we are glass.

I'll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks,

And in the darkness of this moment,

You see the good and bad.

But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths,

But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.

We may shine, we may shatter,

We may be picking up the pieces here on after,

We are fragile, we are human,

We are shaped by the light we let through us,

We break fast, cause we are glass.

We might be oil and water, this could be a big mistake,

We might burn like gasoline and fire,

It's a chance we'll have to take.

We may shine, we may shatter,

We may be picking up the pieces here on after,

We are fragile, we are human,

And we are shaped by the light we let through us,

We break fast, cause we are glass.

We are glass.

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I figured a different sort of post would do good here. Something different. Something... Better. Something a little more upbeat, a little happier.

Or a shift all together in the direction this blog will take. I want things to be different. I want to be different. I want to think differently. I want to move, and flow differently. I want to break through this world, this life and feel new again. The funny thing is, I already feel new. I already feel reborn.

I already have someone who I feel that I can love again; truly love. She's funny... She's kind. She's sweet and smooth like glass. She calls me on my bullshit and does it with a smile. She makes me think differently of myself. She breaks me of my mold. She helps make me think differently of myself in every way and then some.

It's hard to describe just how amazing she actually is. She's different from me... So different. It's refreshing. It's new. It's... It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel new and different.

And I'm excited for it all. This new experience... Whatever it might bring for me in my life, I'm ready to take it on. I'm ready to grow up. I'm ready to become the man I know I can become. I'm ready to solidify and stop being so indifferent about life. I'm ready to take up my hat and set it firmly on my head and be called who I am for who I am. I'm ready for my identity. I'm ready for my life to finally begin, for myself.

I want to be brave. I want to keep my head held high and look on toward the horizon with a wonder for what's to come and a reminiscent thought of what has come before me. The pages of this book that I've written so far are stained with my blood, sweat and constant fingerprints. I've turned those pages and cried over them enough. It's time to take out my pen again and start writing. It's time to keep going and not stop. I can stop writing when I'm finally laid to rest in the earth with a smile on my face, whenever that day may come.

I think I'm done with making excuses for myself. I think I'm done trying to improperly rationalize where I am and give it a particular and specific reason. I am where I am now because of everything that's happened in my life. I can't blame one thing, or one person. I can't even blame myself. Everything that's come along has been one piece to the story. Everyone has their place, each character... Each setting. Each flow from one page to the next, with my mind pouring across it and deciphering it. My life is my own novel. It deserves to be written by me, from now on. To have the input from others, but to be written by me... I can't expect nor let other people write my story for me. Or think that they want to.

I have to be my own person. I have to have my own dreams and ambitions.

While I'm still struggling with what those are... I know I would love to be a writer, of some kind. I want to learn to play an instrument, whether that be the drums, piano or guitar. I want to learn to remix music. I want to write a novel someday that gets published. I want to help people, somehow. I want to be stronger; I want to run a full marathon someday. I want to look back at all the surgeries I've had and put them firmly behind me and not use them as a crutch or as an excuse... Because I know people who have been through a lot worse than I have, and are blowing past me. Those are the people I find most inspiring. Those are the people who I find I have the most admiration for. And one of those people just so happens to love me for who I am, and has faith in me. So I know I can do it. I know I can keep going.

This blog will be changing, soon. I will leave the old posts, because that's who I am. Those are the pages of my life that I've written with everything I have. This blog will be about the flow of my life. The political, economic, physical and emotional changes I will go through over the next few years. I will post stories I write, political rants I have, artwork that I draw up and anything else that can flow from me. If you continue to read what I post here, I thank you. Because you took the time to read all the crap that I throw into here, and that means a lot to me. It shows me you care, even if you never say anything. Even if you're another one of those anonymous statistics, for just visiting and reading.

Be who you are, no matter who is watching. Do the right thing, especially when no one is watching. Feel free within yourself to grow. Follow your dreams, even if it breaks your heart. And don't forget to love yourself, because you're worth it.

G'night. <3

Had To Share

I saw this and said... Wow. How poignant.

Just thought I would share, seeing as I haven't really posted much of anything the past while. :]

Now I'm Mad Again

Seriously. Who the hell do people think they are? Sure, I've been on vacation for the past week or so but that doesn't mean my stress level has been any better.

With my brother in law driving me out of my skin and people on the internet being total fucking retards, I really haven't had much brain space.

Excuse me if you think this is directed at you. If you read this and I know you but don't know that you read this, well excuse the hell out of me. Don't take it personally, I need to rant right now.

First, I will speak on the matter of my brother-in-law.


I love my sister. I always have. When he broke up with her several years ago, I got very defensive and very cold to him. It's been difficult to see him in the proper light ever since. But when you act like a two-year-old all the time... And I mean ALL THE TIME... And can't really complete a thought to save your life? In other words, get from A to D and know that B and C come in between? Yeah, having to pick up and help everything along the way gets very frustrating. I can't even imagine it from my sisters perspective.

It's driving me insane. It's one reason why I can't wait to get back on the road and head to Ohio.

I've also had my choices to not have children reinforced by this week. While I love my niece... I don't want her around -all- the time. I can't... Really take little children 24 hours a day. The screaming, the crying, the temper tantrums and the stress you get when they're around from their parents when you're just trying to be left alone? Not cool. Seriously.

But I do love and adore my niece. There's no question there.

-----------------

Next, I believe will be the rant that I -was- going to go on the other day but decided against. The more I think about it, the more it seethes within me and makes me gnash my teeth.

People who pretend that they have no responsibility in a situation infuriate me. People who literally take no responsibility for their own actions and who feel the need to blame everyone else in the world but themselves? Yeah, I have no need for them anymore. I won't make excuses or play nice. I've tried. For years, I've tried. I've taken all the weight, all the burden on myself. I'm exhausted. I'm just tired. Physically and mentally, I can't take it anymore. I've spent too much money, cried too many tears, and felt too much pain over the situation.

Don't think yourself so high and mighty. Don't think your shit doesn't stink just because I never said it did. It does. Very badly.

An apology would be nice. Perhaps a dialogue. A one-on-one talk that should have happened months ago but didn't. Perhaps things could be different now. Perhaps less stress could be shared on BOTH sides if it had!

But no. Walls were thrown up. Defensive positions were taken and communication lines had been cut in the night. Both sides were quiet. But whenever one side would launch rounds at the other, nothing would happen.

I feel like the fucking 38th Parallel between North and South Korea; always yelling at each other or just being silent. Snarling and gnashing teeth at one another but not really getting anywhere. When the peace discussions happen, they end up failing or not even progressing in one direction or another.

That's what I feel like. A like of demarcation. This is something that should have never happened.

God, it feels good to say that. To get it out in the open. It's time for me to air my dirty feelings a little bit, seeing as everyone else seems to think they can use me as their fucking pin-cushion and punching bag all at once all the fucking time.

So excuse me if you think this is directed in any particular direction. These are feelings that have been digging at my stomach and mind and giving me nightmares and fitful nights of sleep.

Most importantly...

Take responsibility for your own actions.


If you sit there and rant and rave without trying to talk to the other person AT ALL, don't be surprised when you get a nastygram in the mail.

Being the better person doesn't mean shouting that they're being childish, or that their actions are silly. That just adds fuel to the fire. A lot of fuel. A lot of fuel that can make someone rather vindictive in what they can do.

You want dirty laundry aired? I've got a fucking laundromat full of it.

Don't make me pull it out and start throwing it in the streets. I'd rather not.

I'm not saying I will be vindictive, but someone who has taken a lot of shit and taken it quietly can only take so much before he's choking and dying from how much is actually suffocating him.

If you want to be friends still, the ball is in your court. If you want any sort of friendship, I'm always here. Don't tell me I'm your friend and then not talk to me to see what's up, or why I'm doing what I'm doing.

A hi every now and then does wonders to keep friendships going.

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This rant went on a lot longer than I thought it would, but it's made me feel amazing to let it go. To just... Say it, you know? Because I'm tired of being the punching bag. I'm tired of spending my energy to fix a situation, or to always be the one to apologize when I've not even done anything.

I'm done crying over spilled milk.

Peace out. <3

Okay Now...

Alright, I have to get this off my chest.


What was once depression and soul-crushing frustration has thoroughly turned into anger and frustration. It hasn't become a bitterness now, but it's approaching that at an alarming pace.


If you can't talk to me like a normal person when I've done nothing but try and be a friend to you? Forget you. Seriously. I've dealt with people like this my entire life. And for someone to do this to me, when I've known these people for years, it makes me sick. It makes my skin crawl. A simple text message, a call, an email or something else would be the more adult way to deal with things.


I'm in a period of transition in my life where I have to prioritize my emotions. Prioritize my stress and what's really important to me. Sometimes I just have to re-organize my life to improve my own mental health. Recently, I've been doing just that.

Christina Perri - A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath

Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don't be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

(Ignore the fact that this IS from Twilight... I love this song regardless. The first time that I heard it, I cried. I also think Christina Perri has an amazing singing voice!)

I originally started this post out as a rant. I don't know if I can keep that up. It's unhealthy of me to continue the negative emotional explosion that other people may unnecessarily throw onto me. I understand if you're upset with me, or even if you're mad at me... Or hate me. But please, talk to me. Have the decency to talk to me and let me know what's going on. Talk to me. Help me to understand.

Don't sit behind me and yell at my back as if I'm some wall that doesn't feel.

There I go, starting that rant again. To be honest... I did about a good hour-long meditation session tonight. It started in the hot-tub and then went outside into the pool, under a wonderfully clear bright moon-filled night. My heart melted and my soul felt light. I shook the stress that's been building up in my soul and let it out with each breath. It felt so good...

It made me remember that I've not meditated in almost four to five months.

It also made me remember what I've been missing from my life. And why I'm so very glad that things have changed.

I realized something very important about myself. About my likes and dislikes in people. And this is something I have to say. I never realized it until I found someone that didn't do this to me.

I cannot, under any circumstance, stand being given the emotional run-around. Playing the emotional guessing game, where you have to literally sit there and wonder all the time if the other person is -actually- alright and meaning what they say. You ask them if something is wrong, they say no... When in reality, something was wrong all along.

If you're going to be in a relationship, whether it be friendship or anything more serious than that, and you want to keep that person as a long-term friend... Don't do this to them. If you care for them at -all-... Don't do this to them. The amount of stress it puts on them can be deadly. Literally. Talk to your friend or partner. If something is wrong, trust them enough to talk to them. Tell them your feelings. Don't tell them "nothing is wrong" when something is definately wrong. It worries them.

Especially people like me who are -very- empathetic and can physically feel that something is amiss. It can be a little subtle hint that you're dropping. A randomly placed sigh that has a little too much weight behind it. A type of vocal inflection. A sort of off way that you're acting. The way your eyes look. The way you're playing with your hair, or -not- playing with your hair when you normally do. Sure, we all have off days.

But some of us are a little more in-tune with subtle changes in emotional flow than others.

And it hurts us. It hurts our trust for you. It hurts our hearts and our souls.

Secondly... If you're going to be in a serious relationship, be a partner to that person. Make them feel wanted. Do little things for them... And if they're not into little things, find that one thing that you know will make them just smile. If you don't know what can make them smile, try and find out. Ask them directly if you've no other way to find out.

If you still can't find out, and they just won't tell you "because you should know already" when they've not really shown any inclination in one direction or the other... Then I don't really know what to tell you. If they're not willing to show or share what makes them really itch in the saddle or feel wonderfully free and alive, then perhaps its time for a re-evaluation.

Partnerships and relationships (serious ones that is) need to be a 50-50 split. If someone is being the caboose and has no intentions of changing, that puts such a drain both physically and mentally on the other person that it could very well be dangerous to their health. If you are the caboose, it's time to step up and acknowledge that you need to pick it up. Don't put all the burden on your partner. Don't let them do -everything-. If you're physically or mentally incapable of doing something, let them know. Don't just shrug it off and expect -them- to be okay with it. They won't be. It will eventually embitter them. It will be quiet at first... Especially if you're not genuinely appreciative of what they do.

But it will grow. And if you're not open about your emotions, neither will they. It will turn toxic and eventually fail in a giant firey explosion of pain and un-needed anguish.

It feels so good to just... Talk right now. To let all of this out. To type this and be informative. I just wish more people could see exactly what I'm saying... Hear exactly what I'm feeling.

I've learned so much about myself over the past few months. What I like... What I don't like. Who I really am in this world. My turn ons, my turn offs. These are all things that I don't think I ever got the chance to really develop over the past eight years or so. Being free has opened my eyes to so much. So much that's close to me... My own family for instance. It's gotten me closer to them.

I've learned that the cry of a baby sparks a streak of empathy that makes me want to help. It's a sort of empathetic fix or flight. Either I help, or I need to get away because it unsettles me inside of me. I can blame my sweet niece Ashlyn for that one.I've also realized recently that I -really- don't want kids of my own. I'm fine with sticking with my niece as a "kid" and watch her grow up every day (or damn near every day).

I've learned the value of a true partner in a relationship. As I said above, someone who is a sort of "50-50" person. Someone who gives and takes. And allows the give and take of their partner. The sharing of responsibilities... The sharing of emotions. The mutual trust that exists between two people genuinely interested and invested in the relationship, in the hope that it succeeds. It feels so good. And to be honest, I would never go back to anything different. I couldn't deal with someone who was secretive or seclusive about their emotions.

When your partner is an enigma, the only thing you can be is frustrated and worried. That's it. The "mystique" of them wears off after a while, and no amount of love or devotion from you will change them. They have to be willing to change or open up to you if you've explained your position on it all. You cannot change that person though. And the thought that you can change them will only lead you to pain and anguish. And a lot of frustrated tears.

I feel so good right now in my heart. A lot has been bothering me lately. Even down here in beautiful Gulf Shores Alabama, on a vacation on the gulf of Mexico, I've been very stressed. Especially today... Gah. But splashing through the waves in the water and body-surfing in said waves has been therapeutic. The meditation that I did really helped to open me up. To wake up my mind and soul and allow my emotions to flow freely through me.

The sky is so clear right now. The moon is so bright. The stars are twinkling in just the right way. I love it... I love all of it. It's so wonderfully peaceful that I can hardly describe it other than "amazing". So much has just fallen right recently. I can't let one little thing (or a bunch of little things) work me down and take me off my platform that I've built again for myself.

I have confidence in myself again. I will not let someone or something take that away from me. I have hope in myself. I have hope in my relationship. In my friends. In my family. I have dreams again.

I believe, after I graduate from college that I'm going to possibly go back for a second bachelors degree in Psychology, with a follow-up masters in it. I've always had a passion for not only politics (hence the political science degree) but also how the human mind and psyche work and flow together.

I think I'd love to help people. Give back to the world... You know?

I can't wait for the future, now. Because every day is exciting. Every day is a new adventure. Every day is a new dream.

And I'm living it all; one day at a time. One step at a time.

A World is Born

A new world. A fresh one. A new life. That is what I'm creating for myself. One where the pain of the past is no longer pulling me, bringing me down.

I am now free. Why? Because I say that I am.

Sigur Ros - Fljótavík

Sjáum yfir rá

Sjóinn skerum frá

Við siglum mastri trú

Seglum þöndum

Við stýrum að í brú

Við siglum í land

Í stórgrýti og sand

Við vöðum í land

Ófremdarástand

Já, anskotann

Feginn fann ég þar

Þökkum ákaflega

Í skjóli neyðarhúss

Og við sváfum

Stórviðri ofsaði út

I've... Never been able to look out on the world with the sort of hope I'm able to right now.

I am filled with a sort of wonder that is... Hard to describe.

I need to go, though. I have a trip to pack for tomorrow :>

Sigur Ros - All Alright

I want him to know
What I have done
I want him to know
It's bad

I want him to know
What I have done
I want him to know
Right now

It may be this time tomorrow 
or maybe today
It is not right
Now it's better
Now we'll know
Now he'll know what I am feeling

I'm sitting with you
Sitting in silence
Listening to birds
It feels like home

Singing in tune together
A psalm for no one
They sing in tune
''Birdlove - it's strong''

They sing into the night now
They sing on for me
They sing into the night, and

You...
You are still next to me, alright

I'll leave you with that. Because everything will all be alright. Give it time. Give it hope. And a little elbow grease. You can make anyone and anything shine.